devoted to prayer

I felt God inviting me, recently, to pray for a specific individual.  I thought, Sure, why not.  I like praying for people.  And I began to pray.  At first it was just every time I thought about it and then it was more often and now it's several times a day.  Seems God is really pushing for something; I don't know what, though.  But I'm a willing servant; I'll go where He leads.  

But today I started experiencing that same tie that I have felt, in the past, when I've prayed for others on a regular basis.  It's the eternal thread that connects me to the heart of another human being as I commune with God on their behalf.  That's a lovely thing but it's also a painful thing to experience a spiritual connection with someone who ends up rejecting the purpose of the prayers or even a friendship with me.  When you start to care so deeply for someone, you desire to be able to commune with them and if that's not an option, it's no fun. 

When I felt myself being pulled into a connection with this other person, it suddenly brought me to a halt.  I decided I didn't want this in my life.  I do pray for my friends, whenever they request prayer, or when I think they need it or when God brings them to mind and invites me to pray.  But to make a commitment to pray for someone on a regular basis is more serious and results in a rather strong tie to them.  And the last time I did that, there were almost zero results.  

Over a year ago, I made a very dedicated commitment to God to pray for a number of people on a daily basis.  I was no longer in the lives of these dear people, so entwining my heart with theirs made the loss and distance so much greater.  Through my prayers I learned to love them as God wanted me to love them and understanding and forgiveness became part of my thought patterns when I remembered them.  I brought them before His throne every, single day for 364 days (I skipped a day because I was angry with lack of results.) But you know what?  The actual prayers I was praying didn't seem to be answered.  And I got to the place of grief where I just couldn't do it anymore; the sadness I experienced over the loss was too great and I was too hopeless. I asked God to release me from this commitment and He graciously did.  

And now He wants me to start again?  No thanks.  That's what I told Him after I had been doing it for a couple weeks.  In addition to "no thanks" there was also a little bit of, "Why?  What's the point?  You just want to use me again?  Oh sure, use me, I'm a good little servant that does what she's told.  And then what?  I get thrown under the bus again?  You just want to use me like this for the sake of someone else when I get nothing out of it at all?  No friendship from those I pray for, no response, just prayer from a distance and they get to reap all the rewards of the prayers and I'm left all alone again?  Because praying for someone on this level really draws me into caring for them but if I'm not even in their life, how will I ever get a return on all this devotion and prayer?  So I'm just some sacrifice on some altar.  Devote myself to others with no promise of return.  Fine.  Whatever, God, I will do it because you ask me to. I don't really want to but I know you're worth it and I'm willing to work for you.  But I'm not happy about it and if there's another way around it, I would like to find it."

Yes, I'm fully aware of how angry and disrespectful I was to God and I did seek His forgiveness, but only after He revealed a painful truth about His own ministry.  

After I quit fighting and submitted my will to Him (although reluctantly), I caught a glimpse of another sacrifice that laid down His own life and devoted His days to praying for those He loved.  And you know what?  He didn't always get a very high return on His devotion.  Some responded to His selfless extension of love but the majority rejected Him.  He knew it would be that way and still He committed Himself to them.  

I realized God wasn't trying to abuse my desire to serve Him; He was trying to show me more about what it means to live like Jesus.  And for me to reject that invitation because I'm focused on my selfishness is just a disgrace to the title "servant of Christ."  

To be like Jesus means devoting my life to people who may never even return the faithfulness.  It means tying up my heart with yet another person that may never respond or never desire unity with Jesus.  It means a high probability of pain and sadness in my own already wounded heart.  

But... the promise remains.  Some people did respond to Jesus when He sacrificed Himself for them.

And so I will pray.  I will pray, unceasingly, because God obviously cares for this individual and would like me to lift them up to Him for whatever purpose.  And who knows, maybe this time, I won't be just a sacrifice; maybe I'll end up with an eternal friend too...