the unlovables

How many people do you really love?  Family, friends, significant others, children?  And when I say "love," I don't just mean in the general sense of the word, like we love our neighbors and all God's children.  I'm talking about Love, with a capital L.  The kind of love that compels us to go out of our way to be for them.  The kind of love that causes our own hearts to break if theirs are breaking.  The kind of love that would suffer a devastating blow if we were to lose them.  The kind of love that causes you to look for them in a crowd.  The kind of love that makes your face light up with joy when you finally find them.

There are so many people that I love in that way!  And the more I get to know God, the more I learn to love more of His children with a heartfelt, never-ending kind of love.  But right now I'm talking about those that you adore.

How many people do you absolutely adore?

And do they adore you back?

Most people agree that if someone doesn't love you back, you should just let them go and take your heart to where the love will be returned.

But that's not how Jesus rolls.  He loves us, not because we return His love.  He loves and adores us because we are worthy to be loved and we are adorable.  

He is so devoted to us, so committed to being right there for us, just in case we ever need Him.  He absolutely adores us because He knows who we are inside.  He knows everything about us and recognizes His spirit in us and everything we are capable of.  And He thinks we're amazing.  And He thinks we're valuable.  And He wants nothing more than an audience with us to just be with us.  Just to be near us.  Just to talk to us.  Just to relish in the joy of our presence.  That's how much He loves us.

We are so fortunate to be loved like that.  But are we capable of loving others in that same way?  Would we adore and cherish people who reject our dedicated desire to love them?  I'll be honest, probably not.  Because our love for others is often determined by the way they respond to us or treat us, rather than in the beautiful, eternal innate value of each human being.

But what if....


What if we loved them because of how God sees them?  What if when they mistreated us or turned away from us we said, "Hey you, guess what?  I love you.  I don't care what you think of me; that has zero bearing on my devotion to you.  You are worthy.  You are amazing.  And I will always love you because you are worth it."

Crazy thought, huh?  Almost as if we'd be embodying a sacred characteristic of our heavenly Savior.

If Jesus can desperately love all of His children (even the ones who don't allow Him entrance into their hearts, even those that reject Him and spit on Him and slander His name) then I can love the unlovables in my own life, right?

Lord, grant me the grace with which to extend that level of love to all those that have made it their mission to hurt me.

I can't even wrap my head around it, to be honest with you.  I can't even visualize it.  But I want the freedom to love people like God does.  I've had some practice, recently, and I think I'm ready to try extending the boundaries of that kind of love to those who need God's grace in their lives as much as I do. And in that way, I can honor my Savior as I extend His love to those who He has deemed worthy.  And who knows, maybe in the end, I will see what God finds so adorable about them too.

setting the example

On Christmas day I took the kids up to the mountains to play in the snow.  When I was growing up in Chicago, we always had snow on Christmas day and that's how it should be, so up to the mountains we went until we found piles of deep snow. The deeper the better!  My son and I tried climbing up a hillside while the rest of our party ate lunch by the car. But the hillside turned out to be way deeper than we anticipated.  We laughed and fell, repeatedly.  My little boy, who is working on growing up into a real gentleman, said to his mama, "I'll go first.  You can just step in my footsteps and you won't sink in as much."

What a little doll he was.  It's usually my role to blaze the trail for my kids.  But he was man enough to do it.  But that got me thinking about walking before my kids.  And teaching them how to then walk before their own kids.  It's more than just guiding them or giving them directions. Because we all know that children learn more from watching than from obeying.

Yesterday I walked into the bathroom about 1/2 hour after my son took his shower.  I noticed his clothes piled up on the ground and was like, "Um, hello?"  He looked a little sheepish and then picked up his clothes.  I thought to myself, How do I get these kids to pick up after themselves without having to remind them all the time?  

Today, I went into my bathroom, hours after my own shower, and had to step over a pile of my own clothes on the floor.  Now, I know what you're thinking:  You're the one setting the bad example, mama.  But that's not fair.  I had to rush out of the shower in a hurry and didn't have time to pick up my stuff.  I cleaned it up as soon as I had time. And besides, I'm the one cleaning it up so I'm allowed to leave it if I want to.

All good excuses but those excuses mean nothing to the kids that are watching me.

So I had to think about some of the other examples I set for them.  The other day, when I was frustrated with the incompetent Verizon representatives because of the mixup on my account, I may have lost my cool and said something to the effect of, "How the hell am I supposed to verify this information?" and then quickly turned to my kids and half-jokingly said, "Please don't repeat what I just said."  My kids know how to talk and they're respectful about it and they understand that sometimes Mommy gets frustrated and "hell" and "crap" come out.  But still, I wish I didn't mess up sometimes.

I can come up with a list, longer than you think, about the bad examples I should try to avoid.  And I can try my hardest to be better about them, but I will fail because I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect to be.

So instead of focusing on what I shouldn't do, I thought about what I can do to set the proper examples.  What kind of footsteps do I want them stepping into?

I left my Bible out on my table today because I was in the middle of something.  Usually, when my daughter wakes up and comes downstairs in the morning, I put away my devotional stuff and cuddle with her for a while.  But today, my stuff was left out and I walked into my kitchen and thought, Huh, that's weird.  I've never seen my Bible open and laid out on the kitchen table like that. Do my kids even know that I read my Bible?  Shouldn't I be setting this example for them?  We read the Bible as a family, sure, but do they know that I do this on my own?  I remind my son to have his worship in the morning but is he seeing me have my own too?  They know I "meet with God" but I don't think they have any idea what I'm doing during that time because my devotion and study time happens when they're asleep or away.  And all this time I was telling my son to have his own worship without actually showing him.  How did I miss that?

Tonight my daughter was clingy because she had been throwing up today.  She wanted to cuddle with me as she went to sleep so I brought my Bible and computer into the bedroom to read while she nestled up next to me.  She laid her head on my shoulder and pointed to my Bible, "Why did you color in your Bible?" She wanted to know.  Then she wanted to know what the different colors meant.  Yes, I have color-coordinated the highlightings in my Bible.  Does that surprise anyone?

Anyway, I continued to read for a while as she lay next to me.  I was all caught up in Jesus' admonitions to the Pharisees when I heard her tiny little voice read, "So I say to you:  Ask and it will be given to you..."  She was pointing to a pink-highlighted section and reading it.  She read the entire paragraph.  And she hardly knows how to read!  She's been a little slower on the reading skill, and although I work with her, I don't feel it necessary to push her.  So I was so surprised that on her own, she decided this was worth the effort!

If you're not a parent, you can't begin to imagine the heart-warming joy that fills the atmosphere of the room as you witness your emerging reader sounding out the sacred words of Jesus.  The first words she ever read from the Bible were Jesus' words!  A promise that if we ask, He will give.  That if we search, we will find.  And if we knock, He will open the door.  I will print these words out and frame them and put them in her room, for sure.

And I sit here, typing, as she is fast asleep next to me (giving me all her germs), and I'm thinking that none of this would have taken place if I had continued to keep my devotion time all to myself.  This experience motivates me to continue to find ways to blaze the pathways for my children in the spiritual disciplines I want them to follow.

This much I can do. I can't be perfect and I can't always set a noble example of behavior for them.  But I can show them how I worship my Savior, so that even if I say crap or hell a few too many times, they will know where to go to locate their true north so that they can someday find their way Home.

at the door

When I was a little girl, I had some favorite pictures of Jesus that I would just stare at.  Whenever I studied them, they seemed to transport me to another place.  There are three pictures that come to mind but one in particular was very precious to me.  It was the painting of Jesus standing at the door and knocking.  I have always loved the verse,

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock;  
If any man hear my voice, and open the door,
I will come in to him, and sup with him and he with me.  
Revelation 3:20 KJV

The way the artist portrayed the fiery warmth emanating from Jesus' heart is so inviting.  The shadows on the bushes tells us that it's nighttime.  But inviting Jesus in with His glow would light up the entire place!

When I stared at the painting as a child, I used to wish the door would open.  It bothered me that the door never opened. I wanted to know how the story ended.  What was the person in the house doing?  Did they hear the knock?  Were they on the other side of the door, thinking about opening it?  Were they trying to ignore it and turn their tv up louder?  What was going on in there?  Why was the door in the picture forever closed?

In my imagination, sometimes the door would open and I tried to imagine what would go on inside. I saw Jesus and someone eating together and laughing and sharing bread.  Not just eating in their own seat at the table, but interacting with each other, actively.  It seemed like such a pleasant place to be and I wanted to "sup" with Him so I could have fun too.

Decades later, I decided to finally answer the knocking on my own heart's door.  I had been aware of the knocking for so long but had too much fear to entertain thoughts of Jesus in my heart.  Yeah, I know how crazy that sounds.  I was actually afraid to let Jesus in because He would take away my fear and I was afraid to live without fear.  Messed up, actually.  I would lose sleep, night after night after night, struggling with God.  He would entreat me, Please let me come in.  I can take your fear away. And I would inwardly scream, "No!"  I had lived with fear for so long I didn't know how to function without it.

But one day, I was too tired to fight anymore and I let it all go.  And I have lived without fear for years now.  Some have even commented on the fact that I don't appear to fear anything.  It's true.  I can't imagine what I'd be afraid of.  Because that same Jesus who literally glows, like a burning fire, came inside and lit the entire place up with His glorious self.  In the presence of His light, all fear is driven away.

Here's a quote from a world-famous (I wish there was a sarcasm font) author that describes Jesus' entrance into her heart:

"He seems to keep pulling me toward Him.  He just won’t let up.  Every day it’s, Knock, knock.  Anybody home?  Can I come in for a bit?  The only way I know to make that knocking stop is to open the door and let Him in.  It turns out He’s an excellent Guest; He knows His way around like He built the place.  And He always leaves it cleaner than before He arrived.  As far as I’m concerned, He can just move in."  - ce galusha

Yeah, so the quote is mine, from the intro to the books I wrote in 2013 but I still love it so much because it is a perfect description of what He's doing in my heart.  And how it is so much easier to open the door than to resist.

Although it's been about 30-some years since I studied that painting of Jesus at the door, my heart still burns with questions.  Who are those inside?  Why are they not opening the door to Him?  Do they have any idea Who He is?  If they knew, they wouldn't even have a door!  

And my heart aches for Jesus who stands there calling out, Can anyone hear my voice?  Anyone?  He can hear the echoes of His solitary voice ringing out through the hollow streets of His broken heart, searching for those children whose faces He saw as He hung on the cross.  

Yes, many have answered the door and many will yet answer.  But there are so many who will not and although my heart breaks for what they are missing, I'm a 1000 times more distraught over the pain that Jesus feels over the loss.  

Can you imagine a mother having just experienced a devastating disaster, then having to search for her child through a maze of debris and destruction? "Where is my child?"  she would cry out.  Desperate to hold them and care for them, she searches, calling the child by name with no response. "Why won't my child answer me?  Surely they know my voice!"  Calling, searching, waiting, hoping that her child will hear her voice and call out, "Here I am, Mommy!"  

That is our Savior. He sifts through all the debris and destruction of our world, of our hearts, of our minds, and calls out to us, Where are you?  Why are you so far away from me?  I am your Father.  I am here to protect you.  Please let me take you home.  

I don't know why the door isn't answered in the painting.  I don't know why I didn't answer it for so many years. 

If you do not walk with Jesus; if you are not eager to meet with Him at every opportunity; if your heart is not aching to be held by Him; if His name is not daily on your lips and heart....then maybe you haven't actually opened the door yet.  I know that's a bold statement to make.  It sounds like I'm making a judgement call because not everyone worships and serves God the same way; I know.  But everyone who is in love with Him testifies to that love with evidence that assures them that they haven't left Jesus out in the cold night air. 

Yes, I invited Jesus inside a long time ago but there may still be rooms in my heart where I shut the door and do not allow Him entrance.  Like a door marked Unforgiveness...

I will make a deliberate effort to invite God into all those barred rooms. I encourage you to do likewise.  

tough as nails

For so long, even while I was married, I felt like I had to assume both gender roles in my home to some degree.  There were always certain tasks my husband was responsible for but as far as being taken care of?  I felt like I had to do that on my own.  I resented that I had to do that, but you do what you gotta do, right?  So I started kickboxing early in our marriage and felt imbued with this power that spoke to me, saying, "You can do anything.  You don't need anyone."  And I was proud of the fact that I could take care of my own damn self.

But recently, I've suddenly felt that it's okay for me to embrace being a woman, with all the girly stuff involved, including crying and being sentimental and all that jazz.  For some reason, I don't feel that it's necessary to maintain the tough-girl persona.  I've even started dressing in more feminine ways, doing my hair and make-up more often.  I'm drawn to brighter, more cheerful colors and prints too.  I actually feel a desire to be a woman.  I even feel beautiful sometimes.  I wore a dress last weekend with flowers on it!  Flowers!  Pink flowers, no less! Those of you who know me, know that I mostly wear black and grey and very plain clothes.  But recently I have added color to my closet and even wore a white sweater last week.  White!  It's like the world is upside-down suddenly.  But also like the sun has come out and the night is over.  This change in me is about a new perspective on life and a new understanding of who I might really be.

In addition to the more cheerful clothes, the tasks that I was so proud of accomplishing (like using tools, and building stuff and fixing toilets) doesn't appeal to me anymore.  I used to get pleasure from revving up my saw or drill, but suddenly it has become a burden; something that no longer identifies who I am.  (I still have to do these tasks, of course, but I feel differently about them.)

I woke up this morning with these thoughts playing out in my head and caught a mental glimpse of my punching bag that I have in my garage.  Although I have other fitness equipment in there as well, the punching bag sits at the center of the mats, making a bold statement to me.  It has always been there for me when I need to just scream at the world and yet can't.  It bears the scars of all my frustration and anger and hurt and pain.  In the last few years, I've used it primarily for when I wanted to beat the crap out of something, not really for exercise.

I've always loved the fact that I used to be a bad-ass kickboxer. Because when one kickboxes properly, they do not do it as a lady, they do it as a warrior.  It's in the power of the punches and the force of the kicks, with your guard always up and your head dipped while you maintain a glare in your eyes that says, "Don't. Mess. With. Me."  But this morning when I thought about my bag it was almost as if some air was let out of that attitude.  Like a little balloon deflating a bit.  And I struggled with that because being a kickboxer is what I have identified with for the last 16 years as a secret source of power and strength.  I don't want to lose a love I've had for so long and yet it doesn't seem that God wants me to embody that "tough-as-nails" attitude anymore.

But if I don't, then I take the risk of being a weepy, delicate little flower of a woman, but I'm so not.  I know that I'm not.  Because I know I've walked through dark parts of hell with Jesus at my side and He has made sure I walk out victorious.

Ohhhh, I see it now...



I'm a bad-ass warrior because of His strength.  I'm not a delicate flower.  I'm tough by His design, but in the areas in which it matters, in the spiritual sense.  And taking on Christ's strengths for spiritual battles will enable me to stand strong in the face of daily battles as well.  Perhaps my source of strength was misguided, before.  It was too self-centered and self-dependent.

Okay, that totally makes sense now.  And I like it.  I embrace it.

But now what do I do with my punching bag?  I have really suddenly lost all my desire to beat the crap out of it.  I have this strange peace that says I can rest now.  I can sit down and cross my legs as a lady and just.....rest.  There may come a day when God puts a godly man into my life and whispers, It will be okay; you can just be a woman now; I've given you someone who will care for you.  And that's a promise worth dwelling on.

But even more than that future promise is the reality of now.  God is my hero and my strength.  He is the Man that takes care of me and the one that says, Shhhh, you can rest now.  I've got this.  Put away your boxing gloves and just let me be your protector.  And that's just beautiful.

He is also the warrior inside of me that will always exist because Christ lives in me and that automatically makes me a victor.

Through your name we will trample down those who rise up against us.  Psalm 44:5

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  Psalm 28:7

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.  We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  2 Corinthians 4:7-9

Wow!  If that Corinthians verse is not a fitting example of a bad-ass warrior, then I don't know what is!

So maybe it's okay that I don't identify with these earthly sources of strength anymore.  What a comfortable resolution I've come to.  I'm at peace with it.  God is my strength.

falling in love

What does it mean to fall in love?  The world thinks that falling in love is feelings and romance and excitement and whatnot.  But the world's love does not often last.  The world's love is superficial and at risk of fading away without warning.  That doesn't mean that people of the world can't have meaningful love experiences. It just means that without the Author of Love at the foundation, it is rarely (if ever) certain.

When I think about falling in love I replace the word love with the definition of love: Jesus.  So I fall into Jesus.  Falling into Jesus is a powerful experience that creates relationships of oneness and eternity.  I can fall into Jesus with so many people; it's not exclusive to a romantic relationship.  And yet if I told people I was "falling in love" with others I would be viewed rather strangely, because they would interpret my meaning through society's meaning of love.  That's too bad because I'm not sure I can find a better way to describe my experience of loving people with whom I share Christ.

Paul understood what I'm talking about.  Look how he talked to the Philippians.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:7,8

Um... Paul was longing for them?  Seems like a pretty strong word to use for someone with whom he's not romantically involved.  But I get the feeling Paul was a very passionate man, he was always longing for his churches.  He said the same thing to the Romans and the Corinthians and to Timothy and the Thessalonians.  Oh, and it's fun to note that the Greek word used for longing (epipothei) is the same one that James uses to describe how the Spirit of God longs for us.  (James 4:5).

So, in the spirit of Paul's words...it is right for me to feel this way about all of you.

Additionally, Paul was always going around crying and kissing everyone and encouraging others to do likewise.  Keep in mind, he is no pansy, either.  This guy is proudly bearing chains for Christ and yet he has a love and a devotion for God's people for which our society would be leery.  (Acts 20:37, Romans 16:16, 1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:26)

Because the enemy is so intent on destroying everything good that God has made, he has twisted the idea of love into a self-centered experience that gratifies our own earthly desires.  And that makes me so sad.

This is the month of love and lovers and chocolates and flowers and all things romantic.  And one could look at my situation and feel sorry for me because I don't have a Valentine.  But I so do!  I have a better grasp on the concept of love now more than I ever have.  I am in love.

And over the last few months, especially, I have fallen in love (in Jesus) a lot.  I even fell into Jesus with a woman I met in a dressing room a couple weeks ago!  We were just trying stuff on, offering encouragements to each other and sharing and laughing.  And then before you know it, I mention a devotion to Jesus and there is a light in her eyes and a smile on her face and an "Amen!" on her lips and we talk for another hour, in front of the mirror, about God's direction, God's love, our hope and our joy.  We hug a couple times, we make plans to visit again soon and my heart is full.  I saw her again this Saturday night and was so happy to be able to talk about our love for Jesus again.

And what about all the people that have recently entered my life from my new place of worship?  Powerful Jesus-centered connections with so many of them!  I'm overwhelmed and overcome with praise for God who allows me to share in this Oneness with His people.

I know that in this society it is difficult to love people with this kind of passion without misleading some of them.  I realize that and I do pray about it.  The love that two people would share, exclusively, goes beyond what I'm talking about with fellow believers.  But since so many people have never experienced such a powerful exclusive love, a devoted Jesus-centered agape love can throw them off balance and confuse them.

There is only one assurance we can have in this world of broken promises and shattered relationships.  And that assurance is the foundation of Jesus.  If two people can love God more than they love each other, their love for each other is just an extension of God and He will be the anchor that holds them and the Father that guides them.  So even when all else fails, Jesus never does.  Cliché?  Yes.  Yet also quite true.   But in the meantime, the unity we can share with each other in the name of Jesus is the bond that will preserve our friendships through the challenges the enemy will use to try and destroy us.

Do not be like I used to be.  Do not be afraid to love people.  Do not be afraid to see them through God's eyes.  Do not be afraid to long to be with His people.  And to cry with them when they hurt and to ache when they are apart and to pray for them with a fervor that brings you to your knees.  Because at that point, you may finally catch a tiny glimpse of how Jesus longs for us.  And when you realize how he desires us - each one of us - then you will see the value in everyone and then you will treat them accordingly and the cycle of love will continue.

Jesus is in heaven, desperately longing to physically hold us and love us and yet He is limited to Spirit.  But we are not just spirit, we are flesh too.  And in His stead, He has asked us to perpetuate His love so that we can be one as He and His Father are one.  We are His arms for His children and so it is our privilege to love one another.

So, yes, it's true; I am in love.  In love with what Jesus is offering me.  In love with the people He's placed in my life.  In love with the beautiful and satisfying experience of Christ-centered love.  And so in love with hope, because my hope is in the definition of Love - Jesus.  So although this may sound strange to you, this is the most satisfying Valentine's day I have ever experienced.

Love one another, 

as I have loved you...

by this everyone will know 

that you are my disciples. 

John 13:34, 35; John 15:12