Monday, September 7, 2015

i forgive you


The other day someone hurt my daughter's feelings.  I asked the child to apologize to my daughter since he had spoken in anger and admitted that he didn't mean those hurtful words.  He apologized but my daughter just looked at him.  I prompted her to extend forgiveness to him.  She thought for a moment and said, "No. But I accept his apology."

The boy seemed confused, mumbling, "It's the same thing."  So I explained what I had taught my children: forgiveness is not the same as accepting an apology.  Accepting someone's apology is for them.  Forgiving someone is for us.  Here was my stunningly artistic illustration to explain it.


In the red box, someone is offering an admittance of the mess they've made, taking responsibility and expressing remorse over the pain they've caused.  It is up to the receiver to decide if they will acknowledge the apologizer's attempts or not.  An apology can be rejected if it is insincere, or doesn't express sorrow for the hurt.  If it is rejected, the wrong-doer will have maintain the weight of his/her offense and if they care to maintain the friendship, will have to try to express their remorse in a more effective way.  

So in essence, accepting someone's apology is for the other person's sake.  It takes the load off of them and helps them feel success in their apology.  It says, "Okay, I accept that you recognize what you did to hurt me and that you're sorry."  Accepting an apology doesn't mean you're not still angry.  The pain of the offense can linger until you choose to give it up to God.  

But forgiveness is in the blue boxes.  Forgiveness means that you are no longer angry about it and the sin is covered up by Jesus' love.  

So if forgiveness is extended, I have told my children that they are not allowed to be angry anymore.  If you are angry after you extend God's divine design of forgiveness, you misrepresent God and that's a rather terrible thing to do.  Accept the apology to relieve the other person but don't proclaim forgiveness until you can love the person and be free of the anger with God's help.  So my daughter's answer was in line with what I have been trying to teach them.  I'm not saying that she was right not to extend forgiveness but at least she didn't misrepresent Jesus and for that I am glad.

Because forgiveness is a testimony of Christ in you.  By offering forgiveness, you offer a picture of Jesus to the one that has wronged you.  You say, "Whether you have apologized or not, I choose to forgive you because it heals my heart and makes my Savior glad."  

Forgiveness is independent of an apology.  You can offer forgiveness to someone who's made a horrible apology, with no change in their behavior.  Forgiveness can be even be offered prior to a person apologizing.  Or even when an apology has never been given.  

Forgiveness is for you.  For your heart.  For your freedom.  For your witness and testimony.  For Jesus.  For your understanding of how Jesus can be free of anger in regard to hurtful things you have done to His children.  

Extending forgiveness to someone greatly exceeds any expectations because it is not how it should work.  Being hurt = hurt feelings.  Breaking your leg = pain in the leg.  Shattering a vase = vase in pieces.  It's just how things work in this world.

But forgiveness when it doesn't make sense is doing something only Christ can do.  Choosing forgiveness means choosing freedom over a grudge because Christ lives in you.  

Anger and hurt and sadness are expected when offended.  But anger, hurt, and sadness affect you more than the offender.  So freeing yourself of these reasonable responses, places you at the heart of God's grace.  It gives you a glimpse of what Christ's love can do and what it is.  

It is a divine response.  

Even Alexander Pope understood the divine nature of forgiveness in his poem An Essay on Criticism when he wrote those famous words: To err is human, to forgive, divine.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.  Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.  Ghandi

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.   Robert Brault

There are a lot of people in this world that seem to understand the power and potential of forgiveness.  And yet so many of us still miss it.  So many times I still miss it.  I understand the concept behind all of this.  I get it and I preach it and teach it to my children.  But I obviously haven't practiced what I preach.

I'm still waiting for those who have hurt me to take responsibility for it and to extend an apology.  But they're not doing it.  And it's possible they never will.  And I'm noticeably angry with them.  I find myself tempted to outright hate them for all the damage they've caused.  They don't seem to care.  And they may live out their lives and go to their grave with the idea of that their wrongs were justifiable or not their fault or whatever.  But that is a terrible thing.  Because if they do that, they will never have received a true understanding of Jesus' grace.  And even though I would be content never laying eyes on them again, I know that my dearest and most loyal friend, Jesus, would be in pain over the loss.  He would grieve because He died for that person and He loves them.  He would turn to me with tears in His eyes and say, "Won't you please offer my friend a glimpse of my character?  Won't you please extend the forgiveness as a testimony for what I've done for you?  Don't do it for him.  Do it for me, and for you."  And so I would.

In so doing, I would be free from the anger and resentment. Free from the hurt I feel when I consider the memories.  Free to see them and not feel sick to my stomach.  Free from wondering if my harbored anger will shoot another arrow of pain into my Savior's heart.  Free to love as Jesus is teaching me how.  Free to pray on behalf of the offender for good things.  

And maybe, just maybe, my testimony of forgiveness will prompt them to seek the truth of God's love as well.  If not, at least I will finally be free and Jesus will have won the victory here.  



Help me to forgive, Jesus.  There is so much value in it and I know it and can't turn away from it.  But you need to help me.  I can't do this just by my will.  I need Your will in me.  Grant me the gift of forgiveness so that I can represent you with confidence and love.  


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