Tuesday, September 15, 2015

through the wringer


I've been moping around the last few days wondering why my life, at this time, can't be moving a bit more smoothly.  After all, I have repeatedly committed my life and plans to God and asked Him to lead and it looks like He really is leading.  So then why aren't my days a little easier?  Why all the struggle and the mess?  If God really is leading this move, if it really was Him that found this home for us, if it's really His desire that I move at this particular time in my life, then why is He not paving an easier path for me?  

I gotta tell you, I feel like I'm being hit from all angles this last week.  I have one week to finish painting most of the interior of my house and pack up my other place before my move on Sunday.  One week sounds reasonable, right?  One can get a lot done in one week, right?  Sure, one week sounds fine for the rest of the world, but the rest of the world isn't a single mother with a full-time job.  For those that don't think that homeschooling is a full-time job, try teaching from 8:00 am until 12:30 (with meal preps in between) and then traveling to afternoon sporting classes or teaching unit studies until 3:00.  Then throw in the 3 day/week evening karate classes and it's pretty much full-time, if not over-time.  Oh, and then don't forget to make a nutritious dinner and get the kids ready for bed, baths/showers, worship, lengthy tuck-ins, etc.  Not much time left to paint or pack.  

And then just for fun, toss in a few minor crisis and distractions: friends stopping by for visits and meaningful talks when you finally get time to paint, or another friend's car breaking down when you're heading over to paint and so you skip the entire painting plan to help them out for several hours.  And birthday parties and sleep-overs and friends who are frustrated with your inability to be there for them.   Pressure from children who are not handling the move well and want to cling to Mommy in the evening, pets that require care, and then add a splitting headache as the icing on the cake.  A headache so painful that you can't even move.  And then other things that I can't even begin to mention because the sheer existence of these situations exhausts me beyond words.

Why?  Why would God, the King of my life, allow such nonsense to continue to take place during a time that I believe He is guiding?  Doesn't make any sense.  

Or at least, it didn't make any sense until yesterday afternoon.  

I was praying to Him, asking Him for help, asking why.  And then all I could see was a wringer.  Something working hard to squeeze water out of a cloth garment.  I can only imagine the stress that the cloth was going through.  There's a reason people say they're going through a wringer.  'Cause that's what it feels like.  

But a wringer isn't a punching bag.  Yes, I know that's a strange connection to make.  But really, when others have used that phrasing, they're essentially describing a punching bag.  Taking a hit over and over and over with no purpose other than just pain.  

But that's not what a wringer is.  A wringer works hard to remove the excess water so that the garment can finish drying faster.  Do you need to have a wringer in order to dry a cloth?  Not really.  You can soak a pair of pants and leave them out to dry but they'll take forever to do so.  A pair of pants after going through a wringer will dry in way less time.  They'll be ready for use days before they would have otherwise been.  

I reflected on that wringer idea for a while and wondered what God was hoping to wring out of me by allowing the enemy access to my life during an already stressful period.  What kind of refinement was He hoping to work out a little faster than normal? 

How about the fact that as soon as things became difficult, I naturally assumed that I must not be in God's will since difficulties were coming my way?

How about the fact that I was upset with God, blaming Him for the plan He'd arranged for my life, questioning His care for me? 

How about the fact that I didn't have the capacity to be sensitive to the needs of others because I was too focused on my own stress?

How about the fact that I proclaimed that God's direction and care for me was falling short of my needs and that I needed to take matters into my own hands and start controlling the situation?  

There is so much in me that needs to be refined.  So many areas in which I'm still lacking.  So many struggles I neglect to bring to God.  When I realized that my attitude and frustrations and feelings of being overwhelmed were actually an insult to God's care for me, I took a step back and decided that nothing mattered more than being faithful to Him.  And that meant that I could maintain a positive and hopeful attitude amidst the trials.  

After I accepted that new perspective, a load was lifted off of me and I stopped stressing about how I would accomplish everything.  I decided that if God wanted me to accomplish all these things (ie, if they were truly necessary), He would find a way.  And then I expected good things.  And then even though yesterday was stressful, at least I had the promise of working for a few hours at the new place while the kids were with their dad.  But when my friend's car broke down I just had to laugh.  My kids' dad came to pick them up from the side of the road where we were and my friend asked why they weren't with me and what I had planned for the evening.  I just laughed and said that I had planned to paint.  Literally, I laughed.  What else could I do?  She felt so bad and thought maybe I should just leave.  But how could I leave a fellow single-mother with a toddler in a deserted area while some guy worked on her car?  A friend wouldn't do that.  And I'm glad I stayed. She used my car to go get parts, I watched her kid play while she dealt with the work, I talked to her when she needed a friend.  I'm glad I could be there for her.  I know that she was feeling overwhelmed and alone too.  I know what that feels like.  

But I can guarantee you, that if I hadn't had an attitude adjustment a few hours prior, I would have probably left her there.  I would have told her that I couldn't help, that I had so much to do at the house, that I was overwhelmed and that helping her didn't fit into my plans, that I had arranged care for my kids, not to babysit hers, but to be productive.  And you know what?  She would have survived.  But I would not have been proud of myself at all.  I would have felt like less of a human being for not being a faithful friend, and for not trusting in God's leading.  

I'm glad God adjusted my attitude.  I'm glad God helped me be a friend and forget about myself for a while.  Because when it's all said and done, I may not get the house painted, and it may make my life so much more difficult to paint while all our stuff is in it, but at least I didn't turn my back on God during this time.  And for me, that's the most important thing.  

I'm also glad that God didn't step in and grease a little pathway for me so that my week would glide along.  I'm glad He considers me worthy of refinement.  Because it is "through the trials of life that we are tempered into the steel of eternity."  Okay, I know that I totally butchered that quote and I hope that the friend who wrote that line won't be too offended if he sees it.  But you get the picture.  

I pray that in all trials, I can remain faithful and hopeful and focused on all that really matters.  I pray that in spite of the fact that I can't move my head (even after taking headache medicine 2 hours ago!), I will have the strength to get my children and teach them their lessons and take them to gymnastics class and get some work accomplished.  And in the meantime, I thank God for friends who are faithful to my needs and who recognize the struggles I'm going through and are offering a helping hand.  (Last night, one friend offered to help me with the kids and their school lessons today so I could get some work done!  Yay!)  (And just now, as I'm proof-reading, another friend offered to get me any necessary groceries!) 

God will take care of me and I am certain of that.  In the meantime, I praise Him for allowing me to go through the wringer. He knows what He's doing and He's here with me.  He promised.  

When the disciples were in the storm and Jesus was sleeping, they were like, "Don't you care?  We're about to die!"  But Jesus knew they weren't going to die.  He was there and nothing was going to take them out while He was there.  With just a simple command, He was able to calm the storm.  

As I considered dragging myself out of bed this morning at 5:00, a song kept playing in my head over and over, based on Isaiah 43:2:

When you pass through the waters, I will be you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.

We were never promised a free-ride.  But we were promised His faithfulness and it doesn't get much better than that on this earth.  So I welcome the trials.  I hope they won't take me down anymore.  And I anticipate the change in my heart and spirit when I come out on the other side.  

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4.


Thursday, September 10, 2015

A little hidden treasure



When I'm bored, or just for fun, or when I'm struggling, I will randomly choose a verse in the Bible to read, just to see what interesting treasures I can find.

One challenging day, I was suffering under a great load, desperately needing God's hand of protection and care over me.

In prayer, I was led to this particular verse: For the Lord your God moves about your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you.  Deuteronomy 23:14.

I was overwhelmed with love for Jesus and for His direction to this verse.  The verse had an amazing power to alleviate my concerns and offer me hope for His care.  In my mind's eye, I could imagine a sort of warm cloud moving and covering the encampment of soldiers.  It's almost as if the Spirit of God hung in the air like a low fog.  I couldn't imagine anything more comforting.

As was my habit, I also read the verses around the beautiful passage but was somewhat shocked to see that this verse was offered to the Israelites to help them understand why the soldiers should go outside of camp to do their "business."  Yup, that's right, this passage talked about human waste.  Here's the passage in its entirety:

Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself.  As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement.  For the Lord your God moves about your camp to protect you and deliver your enemies to you.  Your camp must be holy, so that He will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.  Deuteronomy 23:12-14

If I had read only that verse, I would have clung to a promise of God's protection without acknowledging that I had a responsibility as well.  There is a lot of garbage I bring into my life that defiles the place where Jesus resides: my music, movies, thoughts, words, anger towards others, distractions, materialistic endeavors, etc.

I do believe that God was offering me a promise of His care and protection but it also helped me understand how sacred and precious His Spirit is.  And how He greatly desires that His presence be honored by the removal of anything that would bring Him grief.

I still consider this verse one of the most fun treasures I've ever come across.  Amidst discussion of human waste and slavery (the rest of the chapter), lies an illustration of God's presence in our lives.  What a truth and a reality to ponder.  Kind of draws a person into worship of such a gracious God, doesn't it?


Monday, September 7, 2015

i forgive you


The other day someone hurt my daughter's feelings.  I asked the child to apologize to my daughter since he had spoken in anger and admitted that he didn't mean those hurtful words.  He apologized but my daughter just looked at him.  I prompted her to extend forgiveness to him.  She thought for a moment and said, "No. But I accept his apology."

The boy seemed confused, mumbling, "It's the same thing."  So I explained what I had taught my children: forgiveness is not the same as accepting an apology.  Accepting someone's apology is for them.  Forgiving someone is for us.  Here was my stunningly artistic illustration to explain it.


In the red box, someone is offering an admittance of the mess they've made, taking responsibility and expressing remorse over the pain they've caused.  It is up to the receiver to decide if they will acknowledge the apologizer's attempts or not.  An apology can be rejected if it is insincere, or doesn't express sorrow for the hurt.  If it is rejected, the wrong-doer will have maintain the weight of his/her offense and if they care to maintain the friendship, will have to try to express their remorse in a more effective way.  

So in essence, accepting someone's apology is for the other person's sake.  It takes the load off of them and helps them feel success in their apology.  It says, "Okay, I accept that you recognize what you did to hurt me and that you're sorry."  Accepting an apology doesn't mean you're not still angry.  The pain of the offense can linger until you choose to give it up to God.  

But forgiveness is in the blue boxes.  Forgiveness means that you are no longer angry about it and the sin is covered up by Jesus' love.  

So if forgiveness is extended, I have told my children that they are not allowed to be angry anymore.  If you are angry after you extend God's divine design of forgiveness, you misrepresent God and that's a rather terrible thing to do.  Accept the apology to relieve the other person but don't proclaim forgiveness until you can love the person and be free of the anger with God's help.  So my daughter's answer was in line with what I have been trying to teach them.  I'm not saying that she was right not to extend forgiveness but at least she didn't misrepresent Jesus and for that I am glad.

Because forgiveness is a testimony of Christ in you.  By offering forgiveness, you offer a picture of Jesus to the one that has wronged you.  You say, "Whether you have apologized or not, I choose to forgive you because it heals my heart and makes my Savior glad."  

Forgiveness is independent of an apology.  You can offer forgiveness to someone who's made a horrible apology, with no change in their behavior.  Forgiveness can be even be offered prior to a person apologizing.  Or even when an apology has never been given.  

Forgiveness is for you.  For your heart.  For your freedom.  For your witness and testimony.  For Jesus.  For your understanding of how Jesus can be free of anger in regard to hurtful things you have done to His children.  

Extending forgiveness to someone greatly exceeds any expectations because it is not how it should work.  Being hurt = hurt feelings.  Breaking your leg = pain in the leg.  Shattering a vase = vase in pieces.  It's just how things work in this world.

But forgiveness when it doesn't make sense is doing something only Christ can do.  Choosing forgiveness means choosing freedom over a grudge because Christ lives in you.  

Anger and hurt and sadness are expected when offended.  But anger, hurt, and sadness affect you more than the offender.  So freeing yourself of these reasonable responses, places you at the heart of God's grace.  It gives you a glimpse of what Christ's love can do and what it is.  

It is a divine response.  

Even Alexander Pope understood the divine nature of forgiveness in his poem An Essay on Criticism when he wrote those famous words: To err is human, to forgive, divine.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.  Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.  Ghandi

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.   Robert Brault

There are a lot of people in this world that seem to understand the power and potential of forgiveness.  And yet so many of us still miss it.  So many times I still miss it.  I understand the concept behind all of this.  I get it and I preach it and teach it to my children.  But I obviously haven't practiced what I preach.

I'm still waiting for those who have hurt me to take responsibility for it and to extend an apology.  But they're not doing it.  And it's possible they never will.  And I'm noticeably angry with them.  I find myself tempted to outright hate them for all the damage they've caused.  They don't seem to care.  And they may live out their lives and go to their grave with the idea of that their wrongs were justifiable or not their fault or whatever.  But that is a terrible thing.  Because if they do that, they will never have received a true understanding of Jesus' grace.  And even though I would be content never laying eyes on them again, I know that my dearest and most loyal friend, Jesus, would be in pain over the loss.  He would grieve because He died for that person and He loves them.  He would turn to me with tears in His eyes and say, "Won't you please offer my friend a glimpse of my character?  Won't you please extend the forgiveness as a testimony for what I've done for you?  Don't do it for him.  Do it for me, and for you."  And so I would.

In so doing, I would be free from the anger and resentment. Free from the hurt I feel when I consider the memories.  Free to see them and not feel sick to my stomach.  Free from wondering if my harbored anger will shoot another arrow of pain into my Savior's heart.  Free to love as Jesus is teaching me how.  Free to pray on behalf of the offender for good things.  

And maybe, just maybe, my testimony of forgiveness will prompt them to seek the truth of God's love as well.  If not, at least I will finally be free and Jesus will have won the victory here.  



Help me to forgive, Jesus.  There is so much value in it and I know it and can't turn away from it.  But you need to help me.  I can't do this just by my will.  I need Your will in me.  Grant me the gift of forgiveness so that I can represent you with confidence and love.  


Saturday, September 5, 2015

Taste and See


A few days ago, my kids came to the dinner table and, right on cue, decided they didn't really like what I had prepared and they apparently weren't that hungry.  I had expected such a response since it was healthy and nutritious and I knew their taste buds had been quickly altered by yesterdays' pizza.  I had my response ready too.

"I'm sorry that you think you don't like all of what God created for your bellies.  Perhaps you've been eating too much of the "other" foods and your taste buds are confused."

They just kind of looked at me for a few moments.  I could see the gears turning in my 9-year-old's head, recognizing that the responsibility for the desire of this food lay on him and not on the food itself.  He ended up eating his food without complaint and, after a few bites, it turned out he liked it very much.  My 6-year-old was less in tune and just picked around saying she really wasn't hungry.  She ate a few bites and decided it was okay.

Then my daughter asked, "Mommy, why do we always have to eat healthy food?"  I reminded her that we don't and did she forget we had Dominos for lunch yesterday for our first day of school?  I also reminded her that we will sometimes have "junk" food (ie, anything that God didn't put into the ground or on a tree) and that our bodies can recover from the effects of that food if we mainly eat the stuff He created for us.  But yes, generally speaking, we don't buy dairy, pop, meat or refined carbs and that doesn't leave much else except God's good food that grows in the earth and not the factories.  (I'm serious; remove that stuff and see what's left).

Then my daughter asked, "But why did God make our taste buds so that we don't like certain foods He made?"

Wow, good question.  I told her that God didn't create us that way.  He created us to live off of and enjoy all the wonderful things He created.  Our bodies were designed for these kinds of foods.  But it has always been the enemy's design to wreck everything that God made for us, and in his evil plot, he designed a counterfeit to food.  Not only does the counterfeit injure our bodies but it tries to reset our taste pathways as well, until we think that donuts and pizza and pasta and cheese are more desirable than green beans and whole grains and oranges and almonds.  But the amazing thing about the original design is that we only need to expose ourselves to more and more of God's foods to restore our default settings.  Just amazing!  No matter how much junk we've eaten, we can restore our desires for God's yumminess just by indulging in it.

Are you getting this?  Do you understand how far-reaching this truth is?

We have a default setting created by the Omnipotent God, Himself, and nothing can destroy it.  Our setting can get distracted and injured and temporarily rerouted but all of that injury is just superficial.  The original is intact and cannot be destroyed.

Wow.

Taste and see, that the Lord is good.  (Ps. 34:8)

We're not just talking about food anymore.

We're talking about all of what God created: the desire to seek Him and commune with Him, the desire to house His presence in our spirit, the longing to be free of sin and follow God's voice.  All of these things were created in us by God and they cannot be undone.  They can be beaten down with our daily choices and we can get to the point where we don't even recognize the original design.  But giving our hearts and wills to God will restore these desires even more quickly than they were destroyed.

So even though there may be an adjustment period, where the food doesn't taste so good yet, there is a promise that if we continue to expose ourselves to the good stuff, and less to the bad, our desire for all of God's good things will continue to increase and increase until they are overflowing.

The Bible tells us to delight in the Lord, and He will give us the desires of our heart.  (Ps 37:4).  It's a Biblical promise that God will guide us towards understanding what our hearts truly desire.  He will open our eyes to it and we will see what it is we have been searching for all our lives.  I do not believe He will give us the desires of our broken, injured heart, but will show us who we really are, Who we really belong to, and what we really desire.


Now that's a love story worth pursuing.