through the wringer

I've been moping around the last few days wondering why my life, at this time, can't be moving a bit more smoothly.  After all, I have repeatedly committed my life and plans to God and asked Him to lead and it looks like He really is leading.  So then why aren't my days a little easier?  Why all the struggle and the mess?  If God really is leading this move, if it really was Him that found this home for us, if it's really His desire that I move at this particular time in my life, then why is He not paving an easier path for me?  

I gotta tell you, I feel like I'm being hit from all angles this last week.  I have one week to finish painting most of the interior of my house and pack up my other place before my move on Sunday.  One week sounds reasonable, right?  One can get a lot done in one week, right?  Sure, one week sounds fine for the rest of the world, but the rest of the world isn't a single mother with a full-time job.  For those that don't think that homeschooling is a full-time job, try teaching from 8:00 am until 12:30 (with meal preps in between) and then traveling to afternoon sporting classes or teaching unit studies until 3:00.  Then throw in the 3 day/week evening karate classes and it's pretty much full-time, if not over-time.  Oh, and then don't forget to make a nutritious dinner and get the kids ready for bed, baths/showers, worship, lengthy tuck-ins, etc.  Not much time left to paint or pack.  

And then just for fun, toss in a few minor crisis and distractions: friends stopping by for visits and meaningful talks when you finally get time to paint, or another friend's car breaking down when you're heading over to paint and so you skip the entire painting plan to help them out for several hours.  And birthday parties and sleep-overs and friends who are frustrated with your inability to be there for them.   Pressure from children who are not handling the move well and want to cling to Mommy in the evening, pets that require care, and then add a splitting headache as the icing on the cake.  A headache so painful that you can't even move.  And then other things that I can't even begin to mention because the sheer existence of these situations exhausts me beyond words.

Why?  Why would God, the King of my life, allow such nonsense to continue to take place during a time that I believe He is guiding?  Doesn't make any sense.  

Or at least, it didn't make any sense until yesterday afternoon.  

I was praying to Him, asking Him for help, asking why.  And then all I could see was a wringer.  Something working hard to squeeze water out of a cloth garment.  I can only imagine the stress that the cloth was going through.  There's a reason people say they're going through a wringer.  'Cause that's what it feels like.  

But a wringer isn't a punching bag.  Yes, I know that's a strange connection to make.  But really, when others have used that phrasing, they're essentially describing a punching bag.  Taking a hit over and over and over with no purpose other than just pain.  

But that's not what a wringer is.  A wringer works hard to remove the excess water so that the garment can finish drying faster.  Do you need to have a wringer in order to dry a cloth?  Not really.  You can soak a pair of pants and leave them out to dry but they'll take forever to do so.  A pair of pants after going through a wringer will dry in way less time.  They'll be ready for use days before they would have otherwise been.  

I reflected on that wringer idea for a while and wondered what God was hoping to wring out of me by allowing the enemy access to my life during an already stressful period.  What kind of refinement was He hoping to work out a little faster than normal? 

How about the fact that as soon as things became difficult, I naturally assumed that I must not be in God's will since difficulties were coming my way?

How about the fact that I was upset with God, blaming Him for the plan He'd arranged for my life, questioning His care for me? 

How about the fact that I didn't have the capacity to be sensitive to the needs of others because I was too focused on my own stress?

How about the fact that I proclaimed that God's direction and care for me was falling short of my needs and that I needed to take matters into my own hands and start controlling the situation?  

There is so much in me that needs to be refined.  So many areas in which I'm still lacking.  So many struggles I neglect to bring to God.  When I realized that my attitude and frustrations and feelings of being overwhelmed were actually an insult to God's care for me, I took a step back and decided that nothing mattered more than being faithful to Him.  And that meant that I could maintain a positive and hopeful attitude amidst the trials.  

After I accepted that new perspective, a load was lifted off of me and I stopped stressing about how I would accomplish everything.  I decided that if God wanted me to accomplish all these things (ie, if they were truly necessary), He would find a way.  And then I expected good things.  And then even though yesterday was stressful, at least I had the promise of working for a few hours at the new place while the kids were with their dad.  But when my friend's car broke down I just had to laugh.  My kids' dad came to pick them up from the side of the road where we were and my friend asked why they weren't with me and what I had planned for the evening.  I just laughed and said that I had planned to paint.  Literally, I laughed.  What else could I do?  She felt so bad and thought maybe I should just leave.  But how could I leave a fellow single-mother with a toddler in a deserted area while some guy worked on her car?  A friend wouldn't do that.  And I'm glad I stayed. She used my car to go get parts, I watched her kid play while she dealt with the work, I talked to her when she needed a friend.  I'm glad I could be there for her.  I know that she was feeling overwhelmed and alone too.  I know what that feels like.  

But I can guarantee you, that if I hadn't had an attitude adjustment a few hours prior, I would have probably left her there.  I would have told her that I couldn't help, that I had so much to do at the house, that I was overwhelmed and that helping her didn't fit into my plans, that I had arranged care for my kids, not to babysit hers, but to be productive.  And you know what?  She would have survived.  But I would not have been proud of myself at all.  I would have felt like less of a human being for not being a faithful friend, and for not trusting in God's leading.  

I'm glad God adjusted my attitude.  I'm glad God helped me be a friend and forget about myself for a while.  Because when it's all said and done, I may not get the house painted, and it may make my life so much more difficult to paint while all our stuff is in it, but at least I didn't turn my back on God during this time.  And for me, that's the most important thing.  

I'm also glad that God didn't step in and grease a little pathway for me so that my week would glide along.  I'm glad He considers me worthy of refinement.  Because it is "through the trials of life that we are tempered into the steel of eternity."  Okay, I know that I totally butchered that quote and I hope that the friend who wrote that line won't be too offended if he sees it.  But you get the picture.  

I pray that in all trials, I can remain faithful and hopeful and focused on all that really matters.  I pray that in spite of the fact that I can't move my head (even after taking headache medicine 2 hours ago!), I will have the strength to get my children and teach them their lessons and take them to gymnastics class and get some work accomplished.  And in the meantime, I thank God for friends who are faithful to my needs and who recognize the struggles I'm going through and are offering a helping hand.  (Last night, one friend offered to help me with the kids and their school lessons today so I could get some work done!  Yay!)  (And just now, as I'm proof-reading, another friend offered to get me any necessary groceries!) 

God will take care of me and I am certain of that.  In the meantime, I praise Him for allowing me to go through the wringer. He knows what He's doing and He's here with me.  He promised.  

When the disciples were in the storm and Jesus was sleeping, they were like, "Don't you care?  We're about to die!"  But Jesus knew they weren't going to die.  He was there and nothing was going to take them out while He was there.  With just a simple command, He was able to calm the storm.  

As I considered dragging myself out of bed this morning at 5:00, a song kept playing in my head over and over, based on Isaiah 43:2:

When you pass through the waters, I will be you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.

We were never promised a free-ride.  But we were promised His faithfulness and it doesn't get much better than that on this earth.  So I welcome the trials.  I hope they won't take me down anymore.  And I anticipate the change in my heart and spirit when I come out on the other side.  

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4.