This may come as a surprise to everyone who has met my perfect children, but my children are not actually perfect. Among the many parenting challenges lies the challenge of getting them to sit still at the dinner table. Dinner is not the image of peaceful family time and pleasant conversation. Attempting a conversation with another adult, sitting across the table, is a near impossible task. We are interrupted repeatedly by yelling, demands, complaints, squeals, laughs, the occasional burp followed by uproarious laughter as we react with, "Please say excuse me. Jayden, don't encourage her. Stop laughing. Act like a gentleman. Maci don't force another burp."
Our dinner conversations don't revolve around activities of the day but rather, "Sit down in your seat. Eat over your plate. Come back to your seat. Keep your food on the plate. Why are you spitting that out? Take 3 more bites. Stop trying to lap up your milk like a dog. Use your fork, etc. . . The children are loud, they are restless, they make me want to take my plate of food and eat in the car... in the garage... of anther house... 26 miles away.
I know that kids will be kids, but they can do better. I just know they can. I also know that much of their potential lies in our ability to parent them. So I finally decided to get serious about dinner. So I've been more firm and more consistent with my discipline lately, trying to undo some of the damage of summertime fun. I'm trying to follow through more readily and be reasonable with my expectations. I informed the children that they would have only 3 opportunities to adjust their behavior during dinner and then they would be excused. Strike 1: time out in their room. Strike 2: a firm hand of discipline. Strike 3: excused.
My daughter progressed up to the second warning within a matter of seconds and she waited in her room for me to come up and administer the discipline I had promised. I went upstairs and I sat across from her on the bed and said, "Maci, how can I help you to sit more respectfully at the dinner table? What can I do to help you understand how important it is to be respectful?" She looked at me woefully and mumbled two small words. I didn't hear her so I asked her to repeat it. I still couldn't make out the words. I leaned it closer and said, "I can't hear you; say it again." She looked me right in the eyes and whispered, "Hug me."
I leaned back to sitting position and asked, "Hug you?"
"Yes," she said meekly. "Hug me and kiss me and I will do better. You'll see."
I smiled and opened my arms to her and she ran right in. I sat there holding her, amazed at her profound understanding of God's love for us. It is not firm discipline and punishment that turns our hearts to God; it is love. If God guides us like that, then shouldn't I be guiding my kids the same way?
My kids know that I love them; there is no question about that. And when I do discipline them it is with as much love as I possess. My son just lost his iPod stories for an entire week because of his new-found habit of lying. His iPod stories are his life! He uses them daily to unwind and enjoy. But he understood that he had earned that loss and it was fair. The discipline was not administered in anger so I figured the loss of privilege was fair and motivating. But what if I disciplined only with love? What would that even look like? Is that even possible? I always figured that God could continue to love us even when we mess up, but children are different because they need solid boundaries and consequences. I'm still not sure about this balance.
This morning I decided we'd eat breakfast at the dinner table instead of at the bar. The standard hop-out-of-the-seat-and-run-around behavior commenced. I called Maci on it and asked her to come over to me to receive her "punishment." She came over slowly and stood in front of me eyeing me with her big, innocent eyes. Again, I opened my arms to her and she cuddled right in. She said, "Just hold me for a little bit." So I did. She went back to her seat and ate the rest of her breakfast without incident. I don't know if it's going to be that easy because it seems too easy. You know what I mean? It makes sense that you can motivate someone with love rather than with discipline. But can it work for everything? I'm not sure about it. But I'm willing to try.
Our dinner conversations don't revolve around activities of the day but rather, "Sit down in your seat. Eat over your plate. Come back to your seat. Keep your food on the plate. Why are you spitting that out? Take 3 more bites. Stop trying to lap up your milk like a dog. Use your fork, etc. . . The children are loud, they are restless, they make me want to take my plate of food and eat in the car... in the garage... of anther house... 26 miles away.
I know that kids will be kids, but they can do better. I just know they can. I also know that much of their potential lies in our ability to parent them. So I finally decided to get serious about dinner. So I've been more firm and more consistent with my discipline lately, trying to undo some of the damage of summertime fun. I'm trying to follow through more readily and be reasonable with my expectations. I informed the children that they would have only 3 opportunities to adjust their behavior during dinner and then they would be excused. Strike 1: time out in their room. Strike 2: a firm hand of discipline. Strike 3: excused.
My daughter progressed up to the second warning within a matter of seconds and she waited in her room for me to come up and administer the discipline I had promised. I went upstairs and I sat across from her on the bed and said, "Maci, how can I help you to sit more respectfully at the dinner table? What can I do to help you understand how important it is to be respectful?" She looked at me woefully and mumbled two small words. I didn't hear her so I asked her to repeat it. I still couldn't make out the words. I leaned it closer and said, "I can't hear you; say it again." She looked me right in the eyes and whispered, "Hug me."
I leaned back to sitting position and asked, "Hug you?"
"Yes," she said meekly. "Hug me and kiss me and I will do better. You'll see."
I smiled and opened my arms to her and she ran right in. I sat there holding her, amazed at her profound understanding of God's love for us. It is not firm discipline and punishment that turns our hearts to God; it is love. If God guides us like that, then shouldn't I be guiding my kids the same way?
My kids know that I love them; there is no question about that. And when I do discipline them it is with as much love as I possess. My son just lost his iPod stories for an entire week because of his new-found habit of lying. His iPod stories are his life! He uses them daily to unwind and enjoy. But he understood that he had earned that loss and it was fair. The discipline was not administered in anger so I figured the loss of privilege was fair and motivating. But what if I disciplined only with love? What would that even look like? Is that even possible? I always figured that God could continue to love us even when we mess up, but children are different because they need solid boundaries and consequences. I'm still not sure about this balance.
This morning I decided we'd eat breakfast at the dinner table instead of at the bar. The standard hop-out-of-the-seat-and-run-around behavior commenced. I called Maci on it and asked her to come over to me to receive her "punishment." She came over slowly and stood in front of me eyeing me with her big, innocent eyes. Again, I opened my arms to her and she cuddled right in. She said, "Just hold me for a little bit." So I did. She went back to her seat and ate the rest of her breakfast without incident. I don't know if it's going to be that easy because it seems too easy. You know what I mean? It makes sense that you can motivate someone with love rather than with discipline. But can it work for everything? I'm not sure about it. But I'm willing to try.
Ok, when u told me this story, I initially thoughts she was manipulating you but when I thought about it more. This seems in alignment with the Love and Logic parenting techniques used for when kids just get crazy and can't contain themselves.
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