just Love them

A child breaks a lamp after throwing a stuffed animal across the room, looks at mom and cries, "Mommy, are you mad?"

Mother kneels to the child's eye level, looks the child squarely in the eye and says, "I'm not mad, just disappointed; you know you shouldn't throw things in the house." The child breaks down and cries harder because he/she has failed their parent.  And in their heart they are determined to try harder next time so that they don't disappoint.

Everyone applauds the parent for not getting angry.  And the idea that disappointment in our children will reap more effective results than if we get angry with them, is perpetuated.

Now, don't get me wrong; I have used that line many times, especially as a teacher.  Student is caught cheating or misbehaving and I lay on the guilt, "I'm just disappointed in you; not angry."  I never even thought twice about using this line since I hear it all over the place.

But check this out:  It sucks.  Because the definition of disappointment is as follows: being sad or displeased because someone has failed to fulfill one's hopes or expectations.

". . . because someone has failed . . ."

Oh dear.  My children don't fail.  They stumble and they make mistakes but they never fail.

But you might be thinking I'm just overreacting; that the "displeasure" is only regarding the incident at hand, not the whole child; the broken lamp or the cheated paper or whatever.  Okay, so let's say the reaction of "disappointment" is just periodic; only when the child actually fails.  Yeah, but there's the problem right there.  No one fails. To fail is to not succeed in reaching your goal.  If your goal is to be a child of God, you can never fail.  That is the only goal worth aiming for so that is the only one I will teach to my children.

It is okay to have expectations and to make efforts towards an end goal?  But what if that end goal is not achieved?  Are we to be disappointed with our children?  To make them feel guilty?  Of course not.  We are to be sympathetic.  No, scratch that.  Not sympathetic.  Empathetic (i.e. having the ability to understand and share one's feelings.)  Because we have all struggled to live up to our expectations for ourselves.

So when a child breaks something because they forgot how to behave properly, or when they misbehave because they can't find the will to do right, or when they look for the easy, but deceitful way out of a situation because they can't seem to find the right way, then we empathize with them.  We don't express disappointment and make them feel that they have failed at the job of being a child.  We are sorry with them.

"Honey, I'm sorry that you broke that lamp.  I know you feel terrible.  I used to feel terrible, too, when I was a kid and did something naughty.  Mommy understands; I was just like you.  And sometimes I still am."  It is easier to hold a child when you're empathetic than when you're disappointed.  Disappointment breeds some sort of distance.  Like, "You're a failure; you kind of suck."  But empathy says, "I feel you; my heart is connected with yours."

So . . . love, I guess.  Love is the correct response to a situation when someone (with feelings) doesn't meet expectations; love is the only thing that can change their behavior anyway, right?  Nah, love doesn't fix everything, you say.  Well, let me put it this way, then:  the only thing that can change behavior is Love.   Kind of sounds like I said the same thing just now except that I capitalized the word "Love."

Love = Jesus.  Jesus is the only one that can change our tendencies and behaviors and habits.

We have one job.  That is the job to love.  To lift people up to Love (aka Jesus).  To let Him take care of the work.  But children should be disciplined; expectations need to be clear; punishments should be determined and administered.  Yes, but with Love.  Okay, so here we go again.  I'm going to try to love my kids into good behavior.  Seasoned parents are laughing and thinking, you foolish woman.  How far do you think you'll get?  Well, I'm aiming for the Kingdom . . . and the best way to get there is on the path of Love.  That is, after all, how Jesus deals with me when I mess up.  He has never said He's disappointed in me.  He's never said that I have failed him and I should try harder next time.  He just holds me and says, "I understand how hard it is.  Just rest here for a while and when you get up you'll be stronger."

This perspective is not just for children, of course.  It's for everyone.  So your spouse struggles with addiction and you think to yourself, Well, I'd really like to be empathetic but I've never struggled with addiction, so I can just tell them how disappointed I am in them and hopefully it will motivate them to change.  If they really loved me they wouldn't want to disappoint me. Wow.  All of the sudden that perspective is so disturbing to me.  I've actually had that approach used on me, before, for my own struggles, which, I suppose, is why I'm so passionate about this right now.  But if there is anyone that thinks they have never struggled with addiction, then, by all means, be the first to cast your stone.  We are all addicted to sin.  It's in our blood.  But the power to overcome it is in Jesus' blood.  And Jesus IS Love, and Love's blood poured out to cover our sins.  If it's good enough for our sins, why is it not good enough for other people's sins?

If I have a friend or a spouse or a brother or a sister or a neighbor or a coworker who is having difficulty meeting a preset expectation, I need to get off my high horse and connect with them through my own struggles and shortcomings.

Just Love people, please.  Don't try to manipulate their behavior by acting disappointment in their failure.  Just Love them.