It actually worked!

Okay, so I talk a lot about parenting with love but when it comes down to it, I often just naturally resort to the time-out and punishment systems.  I often think about the love-method afterwards and then I think, "Oh well, next time."  But today I actually thought about it before the discipline.  My excessively tired 4-yr-old was crying about eating her tiny bowls of almond butter and applesauce upstairs.  I said no because we don't take food upstairs.  She insisted that she would be careful.  I firmly (but not harshly) repeated the "no" response.  She started throwing a fit as I removed the little bowls from her reach.  I sat down on a stool next to her and said, "Come here, baby.  Let me hold you for a minute."  She cried, "No!  I don't want to hug you!  I want to eat upstairs!"  She ran away into the living room and threw herself onto the couch, crying dramatically.  See what I mean?  Very tired little girl.

So I called to her quietly, "I'd really like to hug you."

She yelled back, "I don't want you to hug me!!"

I responded, "But I still want to hug you.  I'll just wait here with my arms open, just in case you change your mind.  I really want to hold you."  I couldn't see her from my spot on the stool because the bar island stood between us.

She started crying and yelling again, "I don't WANT you to hug me!"  She yelled the same phrase a couple more times as I reminded her that I still wanted to hug her.  Then she repeated herself one last time as she ran around the island, "I don't want you to hug me," she cried with tears, as she ran into my outstretched arms.  She cried in my arms for a while and then I kissed her and asked her if she'd like to eat her almond butter and applesauce.  With a calm, little voice, she said yes, and sat on the stool and ate her little yummies.

I stood there looking at her and was stunned. Oh my goodness!  I thought to myself.  It actually worked.  I need to write this down in case I forget!

On another occasion I would have just gotten more and more frustrated and taken away some privilege because throwing a fit is never acceptable.  I would enforce the no-eating-upstairs rule until she broke.  Then her spirit would be wounded and my tolerance level would be strained and the atmosphere in the home would be uncomfortable and ugly.  And no one would fault me because all I did was stand firm on a household rule. It's good to be firm and adhere to the rules, but sometimes it's done in a way that says, "I made the rule and I will enforce it and don't you dare try to test me or else."

This new thing I tried today was so simple that it's ridiculous.  I removed the option from her and when she threw the expected tantrum, I just offered to hold her.  No punishment; the punishment was the rule I guess.  I don't know. Whatever.  I'm just saying that it worked.




Okay, so later in the car, during the hour-long ride from Ikea, the kids were eating a little snack.  Jayden had finished his snack and he asked his sister for a bite of hers.  She agreed but then after tasting her biscuit, she said that she changed her mind and wouldn't give him any.  My son got reasonably upset and tried to swipe it from her.  He complained to me about the unfairness of the situation.  During the evening rush hour traffic I found myself mediating the "crash" inside the car.

"Maci, did you say you would share with your brother?"

"Yup!" She replied matter-of-factly.

"Then why don't you share?"

"I changed my mind."

Jayden growled like a panther.  "That's NOT fair!  She said she would!  She can't change her mind!"

"Actually Jayden, she can.  It isn't very kind.  In fact it's a very unloving way to behave but she can change her mind if she wants.  It's her biscuit."

Jayden did his squeal-growl again.  Maci looked at him with her neener-neener look.  So he grabbed the iPad that they had both been watching and turned it away from her so she couldn't see it anymore.  She responded by attacking him with her puny, little fist.  The fighting ensued; it was as if the tiny crash had caused a pile-up of other cars on our figurative "road trip."

"Jayden, why are you doing taking away the iPad?"

"If she's not going to share with me, then I'm not going to share with her!"

"So when she's unloving to you, you're going to be unloving to her?"

"Yes!" he said with angry resolve.

"Then the unloving behavior will continue, Jayden."

"So?"

As a last resort, I said, "So . . . Jesus asked His friends to show love when others were unloving.  Try it.  When she's unloving to you, show her some love and see if that changes anything."

In my review mirror, I could see his scowl soften as he slowly turned the iPad toward his sister.  Her entire countenance changed as he did this.  The unshared biscuit was forgotten as he diligently attempted to show her love.  She accepted his extension of love and he seemed content.  A moment later I could hear Maci saying, "Here Jayden, do you want a sliver of my biscuit?"

Jayden responded with, "Sure!  Thanks, Maci!"

Maci smiled, "Here's another sliver.  Just a little one."

I could see Love arrive at the scene of the accident and clean up all evidence of the crash.  I'm not going to push this "car crash analogy" very far cause it's kind of silly.  But you see what I'm saying?

I put my mind in God and He makes me say crazy stuff like, "Well, son, Jesus asks us to return unloving behavior with love."  Yeah, right.  Like, do I even do that?  I sat there, driving in silence as the kids munched on slivers of biscuit while they watched Curious George and I wondered if I really do the things I tell my kids to do.

The truth is, I suck at returning unlove with love.  When I am unloved it is an excuse for me to return to my natural instincts, the ones from this earth, not from the heart of God.  If I am unloved, I justify returning that kind of treatment with more unlove.   But unlove isn't even a word!  My spell-checker keeps underlining it and keeps trying to auto correct it to "unloved."  No thanks, autocorrect. "Unloved" is a noun.  Unlove is a verb, 'cause I just decided that.  It is action.  It is something I do.  And it is something I need to STOP doing because it's not even a real word.

I'm just trying to take an honest look at my expectations for my kids.  I expect so much more from them.  I hope for so much more for them.  God grants me little parenting gifts from His amazing arsenal of tips and tricks and I just toss them out to the kids and forget that I'm a kid too.  He's trying to raise me to be a loving child of His too.

This is why I needed to write this down.  I needed to process it and remember it and actively apply it right now.

So stop.  Stop and think about the last time you were treated unlovingly.  What was your response?  What was my response?  Was it love?  No, it wasn't.  Did it work?  Um, no; it only got worse.  Hmmm.  Replay that situation again in your head.  I will replay my situation again too.  This time I will respond in love.  So how did things change in the scenario in your head?  Well, I don't know how things could have been because I can't control how the other person reacts.  But I DO know how my heart feels.  It feels light and free and that is neat.  My son felt better when he decided to return his sister's unloving acts with love.  She hadn't given him the biscuit yet but he already felt better.  The shared biscuit was just a perk.  The real treat was the happy heart.