Jesus calling

I woke up before the crack of dawn as usual, this morning, but was too tired to want to get out of bed.  I laid there, inwardly grunting because I would rather sleep today.  But I felt God inviting me to please get up and meet with Him.

My first response to Him was, "Why?  Because something awful is going to happen and I will need to prepare by meeting with you?"

In my defense, I have experienced many awful things and having spent that time in God's presence, I had the faith to rest in the promise that He was still in control.

I didn't get any impression that He was preparing me for awful things.  So I tried again:  "Then what is it?  Are you preparing good things for me and you don't want me to mess them up?"  Again, spending time, regularly, in God's presence is my assurance that I will have the wisdom to avoid doing stupid things.  It's not always a guarantee because I'm painfully ignorant sometimes and quite prone to making mistakes, but at least I'm making an effort to avoid the stupidity and I know Jesus is understanding and gentle with me.

But again, I heard only silence.

Then, after a moment, a quiet, gentle voice in my heart spoke and said, Why can't it just be that I want to be with you?  

That kind of hit me in the gut and I got out of bed.

And now as I write this, I remember the song Softly and Tenderly.  It's a call for sinners to accept Jesus but it's also a call for children to answer to their Father.

I will just write out a couple of the verses and call it a day, as far as my blog is concerned.

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,

Calling for you and for me;

See, on the portals He's waiting and watching,

Watching for you and for me.

Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading,

Pleading for you and for me?

Why should we linger and heed not His mercies, 

Mercies for you and for me?

Oh, for the wonderful love He has promised,

Promised for you and for me!

the unlovables

How many people do you really love?  Family, friends, significant others, children?  And when I say "love," I don't just mean in the general sense of the word, like we love our neighbors and all God's children.  I'm talking about Love, with a capital L.  The kind of love that compels us to go out of our way to be for them.  The kind of love that causes our own hearts to break if theirs are breaking.  The kind of love that would suffer a devastating blow if we were to lose them.  The kind of love that causes you to look for them in a crowd.  The kind of love that makes your face light up with joy when you finally find them.

There are so many people that I love in that way!  And the more I get to know God, the more I learn to love more of His children with a heartfelt, never-ending kind of love.  But right now I'm talking about those that you adore.

How many people do you absolutely adore?

And do they adore you back?

Most people agree that if someone doesn't love you back, you should just let them go and take your heart to where the love will be returned.

But that's not how Jesus rolls.  He loves us, not because we return His love.  He loves and adores us because we are worthy to be loved and we are adorable.  

He is so devoted to us, so committed to being right there for us, just in case we ever need Him.  He absolutely adores us because He knows who we are inside.  He knows everything about us and recognizes His spirit in us and everything we are capable of.  And He thinks we're amazing.  And He thinks we're valuable.  And He wants nothing more than an audience with us to just be with us.  Just to be near us.  Just to talk to us.  Just to relish in the joy of our presence.  That's how much He loves us.

We are so fortunate to be loved like that.  But are we capable of loving others in that same way?  Would we adore and cherish people who reject our dedicated desire to love them?  I'll be honest, probably not.  Because our love for others is often determined by the way they respond to us or treat us, rather than in the beautiful, eternal innate value of each human being.

But what if....


What if we loved them because of how God sees them?  What if when they mistreated us or turned away from us we said, "Hey you, guess what?  I love you.  I don't care what you think of me; that has zero bearing on my devotion to you.  You are worthy.  You are amazing.  And I will always love you because you are worth it."

Crazy thought, huh?  Almost as if we'd be embodying a sacred characteristic of our heavenly Savior.

If Jesus can desperately love all of His children (even the ones who don't allow Him entrance into their hearts, even those that reject Him and spit on Him and slander His name) then I can love the unlovables in my own life, right?

Lord, grant me the grace with which to extend that level of love to all those that have made it their mission to hurt me.

I can't even wrap my head around it, to be honest with you.  I can't even visualize it.  But I want the freedom to love people like God does.  I've had some practice, recently, and I think I'm ready to try extending the boundaries of that kind of love to those who need God's grace in their lives as much as I do. And in that way, I can honor my Savior as I extend His love to those who He has deemed worthy.  And who knows, maybe in the end, I will see what God finds so adorable about them too.

setting the example

On Christmas day I took the kids up to the mountains to play in the snow.  When I was growing up in Chicago, we always had snow on Christmas day and that's how it should be, so up to the mountains we went until we found piles of deep snow. The deeper the better!  My son and I tried climbing up a hillside while the rest of our party ate lunch by the car. But the hillside turned out to be way deeper than we anticipated.  We laughed and fell, repeatedly.  My little boy, who is working on growing up into a real gentleman, said to his mama, "I'll go first.  You can just step in my footsteps and you won't sink in as much."

What a little doll he was.  It's usually my role to blaze the trail for my kids.  But he was man enough to do it.  But that got me thinking about walking before my kids.  And teaching them how to then walk before their own kids.  It's more than just guiding them or giving them directions. Because we all know that children learn more from watching than from obeying.

Yesterday I walked into the bathroom about 1/2 hour after my son took his shower.  I noticed his clothes piled up on the ground and was like, "Um, hello?"  He looked a little sheepish and then picked up his clothes.  I thought to myself, How do I get these kids to pick up after themselves without having to remind them all the time?  

Today, I went into my bathroom, hours after my own shower, and had to step over a pile of my own clothes on the floor.  Now, I know what you're thinking:  You're the one setting the bad example, mama.  But that's not fair.  I had to rush out of the shower in a hurry and didn't have time to pick up my stuff.  I cleaned it up as soon as I had time. And besides, I'm the one cleaning it up so I'm allowed to leave it if I want to.

All good excuses but those excuses mean nothing to the kids that are watching me.

So I had to think about some of the other examples I set for them.  The other day, when I was frustrated with the incompetent Verizon representatives because of the mixup on my account, I may have lost my cool and said something to the effect of, "How the hell am I supposed to verify this information?" and then quickly turned to my kids and half-jokingly said, "Please don't repeat what I just said."  My kids know how to talk and they're respectful about it and they understand that sometimes Mommy gets frustrated and "hell" and "crap" come out.  But still, I wish I didn't mess up sometimes.

I can come up with a list, longer than you think, about the bad examples I should try to avoid.  And I can try my hardest to be better about them, but I will fail because I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect to be.

So instead of focusing on what I shouldn't do, I thought about what I can do to set the proper examples.  What kind of footsteps do I want them stepping into?

I left my Bible out on my table today because I was in the middle of something.  Usually, when my daughter wakes up and comes downstairs in the morning, I put away my devotional stuff and cuddle with her for a while.  But today, my stuff was left out and I walked into my kitchen and thought, Huh, that's weird.  I've never seen my Bible open and laid out on the kitchen table like that. Do my kids even know that I read my Bible?  Shouldn't I be setting this example for them?  We read the Bible as a family, sure, but do they know that I do this on my own?  I remind my son to have his worship in the morning but is he seeing me have my own too?  They know I "meet with God" but I don't think they have any idea what I'm doing during that time because my devotion and study time happens when they're asleep or away.  And all this time I was telling my son to have his own worship without actually showing him.  How did I miss that?

Tonight my daughter was clingy because she had been throwing up today.  She wanted to cuddle with me as she went to sleep so I brought my Bible and computer into the bedroom to read while she nestled up next to me.  She laid her head on my shoulder and pointed to my Bible, "Why did you color in your Bible?" She wanted to know.  Then she wanted to know what the different colors meant.  Yes, I have color-coordinated the highlightings in my Bible.  Does that surprise anyone?

Anyway, I continued to read for a while as she lay next to me.  I was all caught up in Jesus' admonitions to the Pharisees when I heard her tiny little voice read, "So I say to you:  Ask and it will be given to you..."  She was pointing to a pink-highlighted section and reading it.  She read the entire paragraph.  And she hardly knows how to read!  She's been a little slower on the reading skill, and although I work with her, I don't feel it necessary to push her.  So I was so surprised that on her own, she decided this was worth the effort!

If you're not a parent, you can't begin to imagine the heart-warming joy that fills the atmosphere of the room as you witness your emerging reader sounding out the sacred words of Jesus.  The first words she ever read from the Bible were Jesus' words!  A promise that if we ask, He will give.  That if we search, we will find.  And if we knock, He will open the door.  I will print these words out and frame them and put them in her room, for sure.

And I sit here, typing, as she is fast asleep next to me (giving me all her germs), and I'm thinking that none of this would have taken place if I had continued to keep my devotion time all to myself.  This experience motivates me to continue to find ways to blaze the pathways for my children in the spiritual disciplines I want them to follow.

This much I can do. I can't be perfect and I can't always set a noble example of behavior for them.  But I can show them how I worship my Savior, so that even if I say crap or hell a few too many times, they will know where to go to locate their true north so that they can someday find their way Home.

at the door

When I was a little girl, I had some favorite pictures of Jesus that I would just stare at.  Whenever I studied them, they seemed to transport me to another place.  There are three pictures that come to mind but one in particular was very precious to me.  It was the painting of Jesus standing at the door and knocking.  I have always loved the verse,

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock;  
If any man hear my voice, and open the door,
I will come in to him, and sup with him and he with me.  
Revelation 3:20 KJV

The way the artist portrayed the fiery warmth emanating from Jesus' heart is so inviting.  The shadows on the bushes tells us that it's nighttime.  But inviting Jesus in with His glow would light up the entire place!

When I stared at the painting as a child, I used to wish the door would open.  It bothered me that the door never opened. I wanted to know how the story ended.  What was the person in the house doing?  Did they hear the knock?  Were they on the other side of the door, thinking about opening it?  Were they trying to ignore it and turn their tv up louder?  What was going on in there?  Why was the door in the picture forever closed?

In my imagination, sometimes the door would open and I tried to imagine what would go on inside. I saw Jesus and someone eating together and laughing and sharing bread.  Not just eating in their own seat at the table, but interacting with each other, actively.  It seemed like such a pleasant place to be and I wanted to "sup" with Him so I could have fun too.

Decades later, I decided to finally answer the knocking on my own heart's door.  I had been aware of the knocking for so long but had too much fear to entertain thoughts of Jesus in my heart.  Yeah, I know how crazy that sounds.  I was actually afraid to let Jesus in because He would take away my fear and I was afraid to live without fear.  Messed up, actually.  I would lose sleep, night after night after night, struggling with God.  He would entreat me, Please let me come in.  I can take your fear away. And I would inwardly scream, "No!"  I had lived with fear for so long I didn't know how to function without it.

But one day, I was too tired to fight anymore and I let it all go.  And I have lived without fear for years now.  Some have even commented on the fact that I don't appear to fear anything.  It's true.  I can't imagine what I'd be afraid of.  Because that same Jesus who literally glows, like a burning fire, came inside and lit the entire place up with His glorious self.  In the presence of His light, all fear is driven away.

Here's a quote from a world-famous (I wish there was a sarcasm font) author that describes Jesus' entrance into her heart:

"He seems to keep pulling me toward Him.  He just won’t let up.  Every day it’s, Knock, knock.  Anybody home?  Can I come in for a bit?  The only way I know to make that knocking stop is to open the door and let Him in.  It turns out He’s an excellent Guest; He knows His way around like He built the place.  And He always leaves it cleaner than before He arrived.  As far as I’m concerned, He can just move in."  - ce galusha

Yeah, so the quote is mine, from the intro to the books I wrote in 2013 but I still love it so much because it is a perfect description of what He's doing in my heart.  And how it is so much easier to open the door than to resist.

Although it's been about 30-some years since I studied that painting of Jesus at the door, my heart still burns with questions.  Who are those inside?  Why are they not opening the door to Him?  Do they have any idea Who He is?  If they knew, they wouldn't even have a door!  

And my heart aches for Jesus who stands there calling out, Can anyone hear my voice?  Anyone?  He can hear the echoes of His solitary voice ringing out through the hollow streets of His broken heart, searching for those children whose faces He saw as He hung on the cross.  

Yes, many have answered the door and many will yet answer.  But there are so many who will not and although my heart breaks for what they are missing, I'm a 1000 times more distraught over the pain that Jesus feels over the loss.  

Can you imagine a mother having just experienced a devastating disaster, then having to search for her child through a maze of debris and destruction? "Where is my child?"  she would cry out.  Desperate to hold them and care for them, she searches, calling the child by name with no response. "Why won't my child answer me?  Surely they know my voice!"  Calling, searching, waiting, hoping that her child will hear her voice and call out, "Here I am, Mommy!"  

That is our Savior. He sifts through all the debris and destruction of our world, of our hearts, of our minds, and calls out to us, Where are you?  Why are you so far away from me?  I am your Father.  I am here to protect you.  Please let me take you home.  

I don't know why the door isn't answered in the painting.  I don't know why I didn't answer it for so many years. 

If you do not walk with Jesus; if you are not eager to meet with Him at every opportunity; if your heart is not aching to be held by Him; if His name is not daily on your lips and heart....then maybe you haven't actually opened the door yet.  I know that's a bold statement to make.  It sounds like I'm making a judgement call because not everyone worships and serves God the same way; I know.  But everyone who is in love with Him testifies to that love with evidence that assures them that they haven't left Jesus out in the cold night air. 

Yes, I invited Jesus inside a long time ago but there may still be rooms in my heart where I shut the door and do not allow Him entrance.  Like a door marked Unforgiveness...

I will make a deliberate effort to invite God into all those barred rooms. I encourage you to do likewise.  

tough as nails

For so long, even while I was married, I felt like I had to assume both gender roles in my home to some degree.  There were always certain tasks my husband was responsible for but as far as being taken care of?  I felt like I had to do that on my own.  I resented that I had to do that, but you do what you gotta do, right?  So I started kickboxing early in our marriage and felt imbued with this power that spoke to me, saying, "You can do anything.  You don't need anyone."  And I was proud of the fact that I could take care of my own damn self.

But recently, I've suddenly felt that it's okay for me to embrace being a woman, with all the girly stuff involved, including crying and being sentimental and all that jazz.  For some reason, I don't feel that it's necessary to maintain the tough-girl persona.  I've even started dressing in more feminine ways, doing my hair and make-up more often.  I'm drawn to brighter, more cheerful colors and prints too.  I actually feel a desire to be a woman.  I even feel beautiful sometimes.  I wore a dress last weekend with flowers on it!  Flowers!  Pink flowers, no less! Those of you who know me, know that I mostly wear black and grey and very plain clothes.  But recently I have added color to my closet and even wore a white sweater last week.  White!  It's like the world is upside-down suddenly.  But also like the sun has come out and the night is over.  This change in me is about a new perspective on life and a new understanding of who I might really be.

In addition to the more cheerful clothes, the tasks that I was so proud of accomplishing (like using tools, and building stuff and fixing toilets) doesn't appeal to me anymore.  I used to get pleasure from revving up my saw or drill, but suddenly it has become a burden; something that no longer identifies who I am.  (I still have to do these tasks, of course, but I feel differently about them.)

I woke up this morning with these thoughts playing out in my head and caught a mental glimpse of my punching bag that I have in my garage.  Although I have other fitness equipment in there as well, the punching bag sits at the center of the mats, making a bold statement to me.  It has always been there for me when I need to just scream at the world and yet can't.  It bears the scars of all my frustration and anger and hurt and pain.  In the last few years, I've used it primarily for when I wanted to beat the crap out of something, not really for exercise.

I've always loved the fact that I used to be a bad-ass kickboxer. Because when one kickboxes properly, they do not do it as a lady, they do it as a warrior.  It's in the power of the punches and the force of the kicks, with your guard always up and your head dipped while you maintain a glare in your eyes that says, "Don't. Mess. With. Me."  But this morning when I thought about my bag it was almost as if some air was let out of that attitude.  Like a little balloon deflating a bit.  And I struggled with that because being a kickboxer is what I have identified with for the last 16 years as a secret source of power and strength.  I don't want to lose a love I've had for so long and yet it doesn't seem that God wants me to embody that "tough-as-nails" attitude anymore.

But if I don't, then I take the risk of being a weepy, delicate little flower of a woman, but I'm so not.  I know that I'm not.  Because I know I've walked through dark parts of hell with Jesus at my side and He has made sure I walk out victorious.

Ohhhh, I see it now...



I'm a bad-ass warrior because of His strength.  I'm not a delicate flower.  I'm tough by His design, but in the areas in which it matters, in the spiritual sense.  And taking on Christ's strengths for spiritual battles will enable me to stand strong in the face of daily battles as well.  Perhaps my source of strength was misguided, before.  It was too self-centered and self-dependent.

Okay, that totally makes sense now.  And I like it.  I embrace it.

But now what do I do with my punching bag?  I have really suddenly lost all my desire to beat the crap out of it.  I have this strange peace that says I can rest now.  I can sit down and cross my legs as a lady and just.....rest.  There may come a day when God puts a godly man into my life and whispers, It will be okay; you can just be a woman now; I've given you someone who will care for you.  And that's a promise worth dwelling on.

But even more than that future promise is the reality of now.  God is my hero and my strength.  He is the Man that takes care of me and the one that says, Shhhh, you can rest now.  I've got this.  Put away your boxing gloves and just let me be your protector.  And that's just beautiful.

He is also the warrior inside of me that will always exist because Christ lives in me and that automatically makes me a victor.

Through your name we will trample down those who rise up against us.  Psalm 44:5

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  Psalm 28:7

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.  We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  2 Corinthians 4:7-9

Wow!  If that Corinthians verse is not a fitting example of a bad-ass warrior, then I don't know what is!

So maybe it's okay that I don't identify with these earthly sources of strength anymore.  What a comfortable resolution I've come to.  I'm at peace with it.  God is my strength.

falling in love

What does it mean to fall in love?  The world thinks that falling in love is feelings and romance and excitement and whatnot.  But the world's love does not often last.  The world's love is superficial and at risk of fading away without warning.  That doesn't mean that people of the world can't have meaningful love experiences. It just means that without the Author of Love at the foundation, it is rarely (if ever) certain.

When I think about falling in love I replace the word love with the definition of love: Jesus.  So I fall into Jesus.  Falling into Jesus is a powerful experience that creates relationships of oneness and eternity.  I can fall into Jesus with so many people; it's not exclusive to a romantic relationship.  And yet if I told people I was "falling in love" with others I would be viewed rather strangely, because they would interpret my meaning through society's meaning of love.  That's too bad because I'm not sure I can find a better way to describe my experience of loving people with whom I share Christ.

Paul understood what I'm talking about.  Look how he talked to the Philippians.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:7,8

Um... Paul was longing for them?  Seems like a pretty strong word to use for someone with whom he's not romantically involved.  But I get the feeling Paul was a very passionate man, he was always longing for his churches.  He said the same thing to the Romans and the Corinthians and to Timothy and the Thessalonians.  Oh, and it's fun to note that the Greek word used for longing (epipothei) is the same one that James uses to describe how the Spirit of God longs for us.  (James 4:5).

So, in the spirit of Paul's words...it is right for me to feel this way about all of you.

Additionally, Paul was always going around crying and kissing everyone and encouraging others to do likewise.  Keep in mind, he is no pansy, either.  This guy is proudly bearing chains for Christ and yet he has a love and a devotion for God's people for which our society would be leery.  (Acts 20:37, Romans 16:16, 1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:26)

Because the enemy is so intent on destroying everything good that God has made, he has twisted the idea of love into a self-centered experience that gratifies our own earthly desires.  And that makes me so sad.

This is the month of love and lovers and chocolates and flowers and all things romantic.  And one could look at my situation and feel sorry for me because I don't have a Valentine.  But I so do!  I have a better grasp on the concept of love now more than I ever have.  I am in love.

And over the last few months, especially, I have fallen in love (in Jesus) a lot.  I even fell into Jesus with a woman I met in a dressing room a couple weeks ago!  We were just trying stuff on, offering encouragements to each other and sharing and laughing.  And then before you know it, I mention a devotion to Jesus and there is a light in her eyes and a smile on her face and an "Amen!" on her lips and we talk for another hour, in front of the mirror, about God's direction, God's love, our hope and our joy.  We hug a couple times, we make plans to visit again soon and my heart is full.  I saw her again this Saturday night and was so happy to be able to talk about our love for Jesus again.

And what about all the people that have recently entered my life from my new place of worship?  Powerful Jesus-centered connections with so many of them!  I'm overwhelmed and overcome with praise for God who allows me to share in this Oneness with His people.

I know that in this society it is difficult to love people with this kind of passion without misleading some of them.  I realize that and I do pray about it.  The love that two people would share, exclusively, goes beyond what I'm talking about with fellow believers.  But since so many people have never experienced such a powerful exclusive love, a devoted Jesus-centered agape love can throw them off balance and confuse them.

There is only one assurance we can have in this world of broken promises and shattered relationships.  And that assurance is the foundation of Jesus.  If two people can love God more than they love each other, their love for each other is just an extension of God and He will be the anchor that holds them and the Father that guides them.  So even when all else fails, Jesus never does.  Cliché?  Yes.  Yet also quite true.   But in the meantime, the unity we can share with each other in the name of Jesus is the bond that will preserve our friendships through the challenges the enemy will use to try and destroy us.

Do not be like I used to be.  Do not be afraid to love people.  Do not be afraid to see them through God's eyes.  Do not be afraid to long to be with His people.  And to cry with them when they hurt and to ache when they are apart and to pray for them with a fervor that brings you to your knees.  Because at that point, you may finally catch a tiny glimpse of how Jesus longs for us.  And when you realize how he desires us - each one of us - then you will see the value in everyone and then you will treat them accordingly and the cycle of love will continue.

Jesus is in heaven, desperately longing to physically hold us and love us and yet He is limited to Spirit.  But we are not just spirit, we are flesh too.  And in His stead, He has asked us to perpetuate His love so that we can be one as He and His Father are one.  We are His arms for His children and so it is our privilege to love one another.

So, yes, it's true; I am in love.  In love with what Jesus is offering me.  In love with the people He's placed in my life.  In love with the beautiful and satisfying experience of Christ-centered love.  And so in love with hope, because my hope is in the definition of Love - Jesus.  So although this may sound strange to you, this is the most satisfying Valentine's day I have ever experienced.

Love one another, 

as I have loved you...

by this everyone will know 

that you are my disciples. 

John 13:34, 35; John 15:12

His first crown

Last week, as I was preparing for the church service and reading the lyrics of the hymns we'd be singing, many phrases caught my attention and moved my heart to worship.  But one phrase in particular seemed to hit me right in my gut.

That love of truth, those deeds of love, 
That death so steeped in hate and scorn --
These all are past, and now above, 
He reigns, our king, first crowned with thorn.

I understand the overall emotion of this stanza is supposed to be a victorious one but my words got caught in my throat when I read the last four words - first crowned with thorn. In the split second that I read it, I caught a glimpse of Jesus crowned in glory next to His father, as images of His head hung down with a crown of thorns flashed like lightening across my mind.  It was just a brief moment, really, but it stayed with me and I continued to be disturbed by images of Royalty being abused in such a scornful manner.

Yes, He is with His Father, and He stands tall and beautiful with a victorious crown on His brow, but the fact that His first crown was one made out of hate is more than my heart can handle in this moment.  It makes me angry and it hurts me because I know who He is and I know what He deserved.  I know that it has all been made right but it still happened and it should never have been.

I have said, before, that when I choose sin it is almost as if I'm putting yet one more thorn in His crown.  And that breaks my heart.  And I don't want that sin in my life because I don't want the pain in His heart.

We will wince in pain when we catch our finger on one thorn.  Can you imagine someone asking you to walk on a pile of thorns?  There would be pain in your feet that you wouldn't even be able to register.  And your feet are actually pretty tough.  Imagine now, that those same thorns were placed on the delicate skin of your face and head.  That crown of thorns was not placed gingerly on our Savior's head.  It was firm and stayed in place, possibly throughout the entire crucifixion.  The blood dripping down his face was mingled with the tears He shed on behalf of those who were hurting the ones He came to save.  Jesus cried for the one who made the crown, too.

Who made it?  Who decided that this humble Galilean needed a crown fashioned out of tiny painful spikes?  What kind of human being, created by God Himself, takes the time to collect branches of thorns and works it to fit a man's head?  Did this person hurt themselves while they were making it?  Did their fingers bleed once or twice?  What would they have done if while they were making the crown, Jesus walked up to them, placed His hands on their wounds and healed them?  Would that man have stopped making the crown and bowed before Jesus instead?  Yeah, I kind of think he would have.  Would that man have felt that the crown belonged to him and placed it on his own head, instead?  Maybe. But Jesus would never have allowed it.

That's the kind of Savior we serve.  And that is what He does.  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us so that we could be forgiven.  While we were making the crown, He came to us and healed the wounds of our own hurtful efforts.  We don't deserve it any more than the guy who fashioned the thorn crown, and yet we are recipients of such a great love, nonetheless.

How often I forget to acknowledge every part of His sacrifice.  I tend to see the crown as just another part of the crucifixion image and yet it was a message in and of itself.  Because when I realize that my King donned a crown that was the painful opposite of what He should have had, my heart is moved.

My heart is moved into worship, adoration, devotion, praise... all these (and more) are the emotions and desires of my heart when I reflect on this one element of His sacrifice - the crown of thorns.

"self"-denial

In preparation for Lent, I've heard the phrase "self-denial" being used and backed up by Mark 8:34.  Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves...

But I challenge the concept of self-denial because I believe it may be the opposite of what Jesus was trying to say in Mark.  In my opinion, self-denial puts us in the spotlight and says, "Look what I can do for Jesus."  But denying ourselves means we turn away from the mirror and look to Jesus.  Here's my story to back up my claim:

Although my denomination never celebrated the season of Lent, about 12 years ago, I decided that I would explore it a bit since many people I worked with would talk about what they were "giving up" for Lent.  So the first year, I gave up chocolate cause that was my favorite thing.  It was not an easy thing to do, either.  Chocolate was the treasure of my dessert world.  I couldn't understand why anyone would make a dessert without chocolate in it.  Lemon cake?  Creme brulee?  Fruit cobbler?  I loved all those things but would always opt for a chocolate choice, or add chocolate to them.  I even added chocolate to my pumpkin tart.

Giving up chocolate was rather challenging, but I like a challenge.  That's why I did it in the first place; it wasn't a spiritual discipline at that time at all.  And although I remained faithful for the 40-day period, I replaced chocolate with other sweet indulgences, so it really wasn't that significant if you think about it.

So the next year, I decided that I would intensify the challenge (for my own ego) and I gave up all sugar.  And wow...talk about tough!  When you're interacting with 90 different middle schoolers all day long, there will be times when you'll need a little pick-me-up and to not have that option is just killer.  I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to details so I gave up ALL sugar, even the little bit you'd find in salad dressings or ketchup, so when I say it was difficult, I mean it.  But again, I did it for my own self-centered pride, plus I replaced my cravings for sugar with other things that metabolized as sugar; breads, pastas, etc.

When I gave up the sugar, though, I had never sacrificed something so stringently before and I needed to find the strength to do it.  So I had a thought: how about every time I want something sweet, I think about the sacrifice that Jesus made?  And then I can realize that turning away from this temptation is NOTHING compared to Jesus turning away from heaven and coming to this earth, to His own children, to be rejected and humiliated and condemned.  And that's when I had my ah-ha moment.  Ohhhh, so this is what denial during Lent is for? I wondered.  (So embarrassing to admit how ignorant I was.)

I continued to toy with the basic concept of giving things up for Lent and maintained the practice.  I tried to make it more and more difficult every year, just to challenge myself.  (I bet you're wondering where God fits into all this self-denial fun I was having...)

One year I gave up watching television programs.  I'd never owned a television with cable or netflix or anything, but I had a computer and Hulu was all pretty much free back then, so I had plenty of opportunity to waste my time and veg around.  So that year, I decided I was tired of the food denial thing and I stayed away from my favorite shows instead.  But wow, I can't tell you how much more alive the world looked to me and I felt this sudden need to seek God (that was 2011; the year I made a deliberate decision to know God).

But you should know that when I began to seek God that year, it wasn't necessarily for the right reasons.  I didn't do it because I loved Him and wanted a closer walk with Him.  It was for my children.  Restricting the influences of the world made it possible for me to see what was right in front of my face and I realized that although I didn't actually care about heaven for myself, I didn't want to make that decision for my children.  I wanted them to have more opportunity than what I thought I deserved and I determined that I couldn't teach them unless I went up to the mountain first.  (Going up to the mountain was an analogy one author used to help parents understand why it was so important for Moses to go up to the mountain to meet with God before having the strength and wisdom to deal with the children of Israel.) So that period of denial proved to be quite rewarding and I was suddenly eager for even more.

And then came the most intense Lent season of all, till that point:  I gave up as much as I possibly could.  TV, and movies too, chocolate and sugar, but also all cooked food (since I had turned to refined carbs in replacement of sugar before).  Yup, I went raw for 40 long days.  Nothing to eat except what God made to grow in His green earth.  Yeah, that was tough.  But check it out:  that Lenten period immediately preceded this incredible thirst for God and for His word and for a personal relationship with Him (not just for my kids).  Interesting, huh?

So if I know me, you know I love denying myself the temptations and earthly pleasures in which most people love to indulge.  Why?  Because the results are so freaking amazing!

Remember the hymn Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus?  

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Well, guess what?  It works in reverse too.  Turn away from the things of earth and His wonderful face is where your eyes will turn.

I can't hardly keep silent about the benefits of a life away from earthly gratifications.  I want more people to try it and to devote themselves to it.  Not as a way of torture or penance, of course, but because the rewards are limitless.  The enjoyment of indulging in earthly pleasures pales in comparison to indulging in God.  The fire I have in my heart for God has nothing to do with what I've done or how devoted I am to Him so I can't take any credit for it.  The fire has always been there because His spirit dwells in me.  I just never recognized it until I started taking a step back from all the things that are born of this earth.

But like I said, I didn't do it for the "right" reasons.  When I first practiced Lenten denial I was self-centered and feeding my ego so no one can look at me and say, "Wow, you're so spiritually amazing."  Cause I really kind of suck when you realize how self-focused I was.  I suppose someone can try to give me credit for my determination in denying myself but if you understand that the determination was born of my desire to do everything by the strength of my own flesh, you wouldn't be so quick to praise it.  So please don't think that this is an opportunity to offer me any applause.  This is a testimony of how the Holy Spirit can penetrate a prideful heart and move me, in spite of my efforts to make it about my own ridiculous challenges.  

So yeah, my history with Lenten denial was not exactly rooted in the most noble or spiritually-worthy endeavor, but God is so eager to find any avenues into our heart.  I am forever and ever grateful to God's power to penetrate a prideful heart that was so misguided as to deny Him the very desire of His heart - an intimate relationship with me.  Because of His great love (not because of my strength) I am moved to find ways to give Him more and more of myself.  It's not self-denial anymore because I'm no longer doing it for myself.  It's is simply a denial of self.  I have no idea if I'm making any sense.  Oh well...


I'll bet you're wondering what I'm giving up for Lent this year...

What if I told you that this year I'm not giving anything up?

What if I told you that this year I choose to indulge, instead?

My perspective has shifted.  I no longer emotionally prepare myself for restrictions, but instead, I prepare my heart for rewards.  I eagerly anticipate how He can fill me, instead of how I can remove things.

Yes, there are things in which I won't indulge but not as an exercise of denial but because it is so, so incredibly rewarding to receive more of Jesus.  I gotta tell you, though, I do feel a little selfish in my approach and I'm not sure how to balance that out.  God's gifts to me during these times have been so incredible that I want to make sure I'm honoring Him and not just swimming in His goodness.  Last weekend, the pastor talked about giving to others during this Lenten time and so I think I'd like to explore more of that concept because right now, I'm pretty much just basking in His Sonshine and I'm way too content just doing that.  There is a light we need to shine for others; a responsibility; a privilege.  The pastor said that we will have wonderful moments with God on the mountaintop but that we can't just stay on the mountain and bask in the glorious light.  We also need to take it to others.  I had never considered such a perspective!  I prefer to just stay on that mountain, day in and day out but that would be selfish, wouldn't it?

So that is my prayer for this season of Lent.  Show me, Lord, how to take the joy and the love you have shared with me to others too.  Give me opportunities to serve them as a way to honor and multiply all the gifts you've given to me.  I am so undeserving of all your goodness and am so ashamed of how self-centered I was but am grateful for your eagerness to work with such a misguided heart.  Let me shine for you.

why mardi gras?

The season of Lent is here.  Many of the churches are preparing their services, and congregations are preparing their hearts to dwell on Jesus' sacrifice and reaffirm their devotion to Him.  This is my most favorite spiritual season of all!  Yes, I like Christmas, but the non-significant stuff kind of takes over that season.  But Lent is just lovely.  The word Lent is simply translated from the Old English word lencten which means Spring.  Spring is a time for rebirth and promises fulfilled as the dormant buds and flowers come back to life after a long winter.  It's a celebration of Jesus' victory and a hopeful anticipation of our eternity with Him.

So I look forward to this time now and even count down the days.  The church in which I grew up never celebrated Lent but I looked into it about 12 years ago and have been aware of the season since then.  This year it is especially significant to me since I feel that, I too, am experiencing a rebirth.

I love that so many denominations see the value in this season and they take the time to reflect on it.  But what I don't understand is the concept of Mardi Gras.  In some cultures Mardi Gras is synonymous with Carnival.  A big ol', let-it-all-hang-out kind of party time where anything goes, and you wear masks to hide because you don't want anyone to know how crazy you can get (or whatever reason they wear the masks).  Mardi Gras is the day before you accept a somber conduct, more befitting for a time of reflecting on Jesus' sacrifice. But Lent isn't just about Jesus' sacrifice, it's about His victory, so I can see how a day of celebration fits into that but that's not what's really going on with Fat Tuesday.

On Fat Tuesday people are trying to indulge in every manner of desire and that just doesn't make sense to me.  When I prepare for a longer fasting period, I work towards it by eliminating heavier things in my diet or sugars or whatever.  Because if I indulge right before I fast, it actually makes the sacrifice more difficult and I can't enjoy my fast.

When Jesus prepared His heart to walk the path of sacrifice, we find Him on His knees in the Garden, submitting to His Father and seeking Him for strength.  I imagine that it would have been nearly impossible for Jesus to accept His position as our Lamb if He'd spent the night before partying it up and getting drunk.

So I guess my point is to encourage people to take some time to reflect on the purpose of indulging before actually doing it.  Does it make sense to prepare our hearts for a contemplative season by giving in to all the earthly desires?  It's like, "Hey God, I really want to be a representative of you but first I want to go crazy and experience all the stuff your enemy uses to keep us chained.  That's cool, right?"  Yeah, that sounds like a fabulous idea.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be overly critical, I'm just trying to understand the value of a day of indulging in sin.  I understand the idea of enjoying something that you're going to give up for a while and that's not a terrible thing.  But it seems to me like people have gone a little overboard with the whole indulging thing and really actually made it a day to give in to the sins we wouldn't normally give into.  That's all.  And it just doesn't make sense.  A smoker wouldn't smoke 3 packs of cigarettes the day before a date they've decided to quit.

If you celebrate Lent, I challenge you to use Fat Tuesday as a day to indulge in God's goodness.  Use this day as a day when you seek out and satisfy every desire for hope and strength and faith.  Because the difficult days of sacrifice will require that our bank of God's gifts is pretty full.  It's just a thought.

I know I sound like a bore and I promise that I do know how to enjoy a celebration, but I also know what it means to indulge in Jesus prior to a period of difficulty and that is entirely more satisfying and lasting than anything the world has to offer.  And it seems a little more fitting for the season in which we're entering.

All that being said, I will probably have a piece of cake today.... just so I can say goodbye...

tears... bleh

This is the first time I have ever re-posted an old blog.  But I just can't help myself.  In my last blog I said that I took a walk through my past and that means that I read some of my old writings.  This particular blog made me laugh when I consider how far I've come.

As of late I have been so completely overwhelmed with the power of music that it might be fun for others to also see where I used to be.  I was so resistant to having my heart respond to the music in any way, but especially resistant to allowing it to bring me to tears.  Yeah...I've come a long way.

Written in November 2013 
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Even as a younger kid, I never liked all the crying and emotional stuff associated with certain things in life.  Like "cry-movies."  I hate cry-movies.  Why would I want to watch a movie that I know will make me cry?  That's stupid. Yet girls seem to gravitate toward movies like those.  What a bunch of pansies.

In high school, a friend of mine forced me to listen to my first country song.  "Johnny's daddy, was taking him fishing, when he was eight years old.  Little girl came through the front gate, holding a fishing pole. . ."  Turns out the boy is upset that his dad invited the girl and says, "Don't take the girl."  A few years later, the boy and girl are held at gunpoint and the boy offers the robber anything he wants but says, "Don't take the girl."  A few years after that, they're married and having their first baby but there are complications and he falls to his knees and begs God to take him but whatever He does, "Don't take the girl."  Are you freaking kidding me?  Who writes stuff like this?  Why?!  Why do people want to make other people cry?  That's kind of sick.

I distinctly remember Week of Prayer meetings that we had when I was in middle school.  The speaker was finishing the week and saying stuff and making all the girls cry because it was apparently so ridiculously beautiful or something; oh, and he also had some music playing in the background. My natural instinct was to put up a firewall of sorts and ignore the emotional atmosphere in the room.  And I sat there, cold as ice, inwardly scoffing at the emotional weakness of the other girls.

I noticed people seemed moved to tears when they heard a beautiful song with touching lyrics or a quiet melody backing a speaker.  Do you want a productive alter call?  Have some sappy hymn music playing in the background; that always pulls the suckers in.  When I'd see all those people going up to the front and crying and all that, I would roll my eyes and think, "Whatever.  This isn't even real.  You guys are just moved by some stupid music and when the music stops everything will go back to the way it has always been; you guys are idiots."  Yup, I would think all of that.  And more.

My reflex instinct (because I was naturally unaffectionate and guarded) was to resist the temptation to be moved by music.  If I wanted to respond to an alter call it would be because I wanted to and had thought it out, not because the music was somehow affecting my heart.  Yuck.

You know why?  Because I decided that tears and other emotional responses were weaknesses.  And in my life, I needed to be tough and not let my circumstances result in pathetic weeping moments.  Tough people don't cry.  Tough people maintain their strong form in the face of emotional roller coasters.  Tough people don't let a tender moment get the better of them.  Tough people maintain their solidity while everyone else is still trying to find their footing.  Weak people suck.  And tough people kick butt. And what you think is all beautiful and moving was just an illusion created by sneaky sound waves; it's not real.


Can you imagine my shock and surprise when I discovered that I was almost entirely misguided in my perceptions?

It turns out that God invented music.  Heaven will have constant singing.  Revelation 4 talks about how some strange creatures will break out in a "Holy Holy Holy" song and 24 elders will fall down before God, throw their crowns before Him and worship Him.  They do all that when the song commences.  I'm having a hard time imagining that their response isn't real.  They fall down and worship.  They don't bow their heads, or bend at the waist, or genuflect; they FALL DOWN.

But I resist the urge to move when the music is cued.  I resist the weakness of the human heart.  I stand firm.  Wow.  I am simultaneously ashamed and yet afraid.  I'm ashamed that I have spent so many years of my life resisting the POWER of music because I didn't think it was real; elevating my own strength above the workings of the spirit.  How arrogant and proud.  But then I'm also afraid because if I allow the music to penetrate my core, I may become one of those people who are always weeping when the music is played.

In a church I attended 10 years ago, there was a woman that always cried when she sang.  Always!  She could not make it through a stupid song without breaking down and then squeaking out the words.  It would make me so uncomfortable!  I would see her name in the bulletin and would be like, "Oh great; the cry-lady is going to try and sing again."  I would literally sit there and pray that God would give her strength to get through the song without falling apart.  I didn't pray for her sake, but for mine!  Good grief, woman!  Get a grip!

But listen to this:  I was practicing with the praise team a Friday night recently and literally couldn't get through my music.  It struck a cord with me and moved my entire spirit to worship without words; just spirit communicating with Spirit.  It was beautiful and I was in a place with God where He was speaking to me and I was responding to His words and His love.  The song ended and I could breathe again and my first thought was, "Well, shoot, I'm the cry-lady."  All of the sudden I was disturbed by the fact that I couldn't get through a single, stupid song without being overcome by the power of it.  Granted, that was during a period of painful struggle, but still.  I told a dear friend that I could hardly sing with the praise team without falling apart and she said, "That's okay. Then you will praise Him with your tears."

And I am reassured that praising God with my tears is real.  I dare say that is is the most real thing I can do.  Now I'm not saying we should all rub our eyes with onions so that we cry every time we pray, as if there's some magical property in tears that somehow allows us to transcend to greater spiritual heights.  I'm just saying that worshiping God is not a mental thing.  It's not intellectual, it is Spirit.  It is our spirit which is everything we are inside; all our emotions, our happiness, our sadness, our hopefulness, our repentance.  It's everything that we feel and it is the part of God that lives in us.

Remember the lady with the expensive perfume?  There is no record of her speaking a single word to Jesus and yet Jesus immortalized her in the minds and hearts of all future generations because she praised Him with her tears.  She praised Him and thanked Him and submitted herself to Him.  And not a single word was spoken on her behalf.

I just want to end there.  In that room, with Mary at His feet, loving Him with her tears, unaware of onlookers, her Spirit intertwined with God's Spirit in a moment of free and overwhelming worship.  Now that was real.

restoration

Tonight I took a walk in the past and then followed that timeline into the present.  What I realized placed a powerful smile in my heart.

Here is my brief history:

I had walked the life of a ho-hum Christian until May 2011 when my lifetime of complacency came to an end.  For the next year and a half I sought spiritual understanding and asked God to remove strongholds from my life for His purpose and glory.

By January 2013, instruction and learning at the feet of Jesus intensified.

Then by fall 2013, I spent the next 9 months fighting forcefully to keep standing for Jesus while all hell broke loose and tried to defeat me.  That was such a painful period of brokenness and pain but Jesus was ever faithful.

From May 2014 till September 2015, my gentle Healer came to my aid.  Almost a year and a half!  Wow.  And that was not some casual healing, either, it was quite intense and purposeful.

And now?

Now, I have finally entered a period of restoration.

I have been waiting for this since 2013!  I've still been praying to God, asking Him when He would ever restore me.  I didn't realize He was actually doing it already.  How cool is He?

I have, over the last couple years, used the phrase, "....for my healing."  More recently I told someone, "that [something] provided healing for my heart."  But I felt disconnected from the word "healing" for some reason.  I felt a more appropriate word would have been "restoration."

All the things I'm experiencing now, they are restoring me!  They are making me new, not addressing the brokenness of yesterday.

What a lovely place to be.  What a long road it has been.  What a joy to recognize God fulfilling His promises to me.

Oh, how I love the promise of the verse in Joel 2:25.  I will restore to you the years the locust hath eaten.  That's not a promise of healing; that's a promise of restitution.

I wait on you, God, to fulfill your promise and restore all that has been lost, if you feel it would bring glory to your name.  I look forward to what you have purposed and planned for my life from here on out...

coalescent worship

A couple of days ago, I was glancing through some music for the upcoming church service.  (This was before yesterday's lovely experience of actually studying the service).  I was looking at the words of one of the hymns and felt a weird sensation in my heart.  The lyrics of the hymn at that moment were, "Thy justice like mountains high soaring above."  And I suddenly felt this desire to go to the mountain, lift my hands toward the heavens and proclaim this hymn to the skies.  I thought to myself, Whoa, there, calm down, it's just a hymn.  But then the very next line was, "Thy clouds which are fountains of goodness and love."  I'm sorry, how is that not ridiculously beautiful and drawing you into praise?  Imagine standing on the mountain, sky above you, all the earth beneath you, and the clouds are fountains showering down God's goodness and love on you in that place where nothing else exists, but just you and heaven.  Yeah...beautiful...

I believe God has gifted certain individuals with the ability to arrange music in such a way as to draw us into, what I like to call, ascended worship.  Where God's goodness pours down on us and then our praise ascends to Him, and yet we're the ones that receive the ultimate blessing.  Handel's Messiah is one of the more popular arrangements that has the power to draw us into that kind of worship.  But there are others too; we've often felt it when listening to music or participating in it or whatever; you know what I mean.  Yesterday I was searching for a way to articulate the process I've had the privilege to experience over the last few months.

Now keep in mind that the church services I attend are different than what I'm used to.  In former churches, we would sing 3 or 4 songs at the beginning and then that's it.  These services have music throughout and I can't get enough of it.  It is what worship should be!  It is an entirely different experience all together and I am much more aware of God's presence and His love during those times.  In an effort to find the words to express my feelings, I closed my eyes and tried to draw to mind an image to describe what I encounter during the church services.

I thought of a drop of water I had seen in slow motion in some science class or science movie or whatever. You know the idea; a drop falls into still water, creating an immediate ripple effect, then it somehow bounces back up into the air, and then falls back and down and then repeats its pattern until it settles into the water.  The ripples extend further and further out until they settle in stillness again. This process is called the coalescence cascade.  Coalescence is defined as come together to form one whole.  Wow, if you don't get the application yet, then maybe I've chosen the wrong analogy.  This is incredible and so perfect!

Watch this exceptionally slow motion video to get a more clear understanding of the coalescence cascade.

So now do you see it?  Do you see what music and praise and worship is?  The droplet of water is from the sky (liken that to God's goodness and love) and the body of water is all of us.  (It's actually interesting to note that in Bible prophecy whenever they talk about seas of water it is referring to people. cool, huh?)

Anyway, God's goodness comes down in one tiny little speck but it has an unproportionally large impact on the face of the water.  Independent of any will of its own, the water reacts to the drop by accepting it and then extending part of itself out and up toward the heavens.  Then, altogether, it drops back into the water for a smaller reaction and then repeats the process until the water droplet and the mass of water are one.  No one would be able to separate that drop from the larger water.  They are completely one.

When God's goodness and grace and love fall down on us, it becomes a part of us.  The Spirit of God, which resides in our hearts, responds to the Creator in worship and praise. But it's when we acknowledge that response that we are wholly blessed.  Praise and worship provide us with that response.  Music provides that for me and probably for you too.  It is His gift to us and yet another reason to praise Him!  Not only has He given us His eternal love but also the ability with which to respond to that love.  He's thought of everything, hasn't He.

There is something to be said about participating in a deliberately arranged worship service. Yes, sometimes we can experience impromptu worship and find ourselves in moments that catch us by surprise. But if you are so fortunate as to participate in a service where God is guiding musicians and pastors and members into unity of worship, then you are truly blessed.  I am truly blessed.  And I praise God, today, as I reflect on this amazing gift that extends deeper into my being than I even recognized.

I am His

Someone sent me a video this morning about a little lamb who was rejected by its mother and the beautiful application that the shepherd made about Jesus' tenderness towards us.  The shepherd said that because the little lamb was rejected by the mother, he would now have to take it home to raise it himself.  The application he made was that sometimes we will suffer abandonment from some of the people in our lives that we depend on; those that were supposed to care for us.  But that in those cases, Jesus is waiting to pick us up and take us home and care for us Himself.  And that once a shepherd has cared for a lamb in that way, the lamb is forever devoted to that shepherd.

As soon as the guy in the video started talking about people in our lives who have abandoned us, I broke down and started to cry.  Yes, sure, I've mentioned lately that I cry, but not usually over this kind of thing.  I have remained relatively strong throughout many of the losses I suffered over the last few years but there were moments when I wallowed in self-pity, wondering why.  Why did those who supposedly professed their eternal love or devotion or care for me abandon me and reject me and try to do me harm?  It can certainly make a person feel like they're worthless.  And the fears that accompany that loss?  Ugh, enough to incapacitate a person.

I never wallowed in that pity for too long, though.  Because I recognized that most of what these people were rejecting was my devotion to God.  I would gladly suffer on behalf of Jesus.  But that doesn't make the loss and the pain any less real.

In the last two years, I was rejected or abandoned by a spouse, two sets of parents, church leaders and best friends.  Only two friends remained steadfast and for them I praise God.  But the saving grace I received was my Shepherd who picked me up and took me home.  In those intimate moments with Him, I found my strength to continue living for Him, continue following Him and submitting to His will.  In that closeness I found a joy that trumped all the joy I had ever known in my previous 38 years.  And through those quiet moments, I found a peace that truly surpassed all understanding.

I read Luke 9 yesterday morning for my devotion and reflected on the cost of following Jesus.  (Luke 9:57-63).  And I thought, Whoa, this is a huge load for followers to carry. Who would ever accept this call?  But truth be told, the intimacy I have experienced with Jesus, as a result of accepting His call, exceeds any experience I could ever have on this earth with any human being.  And it casts a soft shadow over the losses and those relationships that were supposed to be significant to me.  It still hurts, of course.  I still long for areas in my life to be restored but I wait on God for His time and His purpose.

All I ever wanted (all anyone has ever wanted, I'm sure) was to be loved and cherished and protected.  I have been desiring that all my life.  Just to have someone want me; to choose me and to be devoted to me.  I don't appear to actually have that kind of thing in my life so then how is it possible for a divorced single, woman to feel so fulfilled in this desire now?  How is it possible that I no longer feel abandoned or rejected?  Well, I'll tell you how.  Through the power of His tender love.  I am His.  And He is mine.  He has chosen me and been devoted to me all my life through.  How could anyone ever tell me that He isn't real?

Only a handful of friends know what I went through in the last couple years but if you knew, you might conclude that I shouldn't still be so joyful and filled with desire to praise God and serve Him.  I should be broken and devastated.  But because of His love, I'm not.  It just wouldn't be possible for me to be defeated.  Because how can I fall when I'm held up by angels?  How can I dwell in darkness when I'm surrounded by His glorious light?

It's.  Just.  Not.  Possible.

Remember that hymn "Oh How He Loves You and Me?"  It's a very short hymn with only 15 lines, but the phrase "Oh how He loves you and me" is repeated 13 times.  I love it and those words just floated through my head.

Today, I was preparing for the church service, walking through all the songs I need to sing and reading the accompanying Scriptures so that I can understand the overarching message.  I saw the message of God's glorious light throughout the entire service and just praised Him for the blessing of a service that is arranged so carefully as to draw our hearts and minds into ascended worship for Him.

But then I decided to look at a special number that was to be sung (by someone else) to see how it fit into the message of the day.  I'm not responsible for this song so initially I didn't even think to include it in my walk-through of the service.  But when I listened to it online, I was so overwhelmed with an emotion that I struggle to try to describe.  Relief, maybe?  Comfort?  I don't know.  Satisfied longing, perhaps?  Yeah, maybe that last one. Satisfied longing with eternal gratefulness and a realization of God's amazing, never-ending love for me.

I honestly can't see how the song fits with the rest of the church service theme but it's hitting home for me and I am praising God for prompting the music minister to include it.  It's exactly what I long to hear and dwell on.  It is perfect and actually provides healing for my pain.  It is my love story with Jesus and the truths in it have satisfied the longings in my heart.  I listened to it three times and broke down and cried every time.  I thought, Well, shoot, I need to get this emotion out of my system right now before I'm sitting in church listening to it, lest I break down and cry there too.  I'll have to remember to wear waterproof mascara...

Just take a moment to reflect on some of these lyrics:

I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am here.

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you by name
Come and follow me
I will bring you home

I love you and you are mine.

After the video of the abandoned lamb, this song was exactly what I needed.  If you have time, listen to it on the link below too.  The melody sways with the lyrics in such a tender way bringing it to life and penetrating your heart.  Follow this link:  You Are Mine

Have you ever been so in love that the mere thought of that love brings you to tears?  I have often felt that way about my own children.  But wished I could feel that way about God too.  And now I can honestly say that I do.  I am overcome with desire to serve Him and love Him and to see Him and hold Him and be held by Him.  I need nothing else.  Jesus alone.  I haven't done any dating, of course, so I have had other single friends ask me how it is possible for me to be satisfied with only Jesus.  But I can't describe it; it's only something I can experience, not explain.

So how can I not commit my undying devotion to the One who is my forever Love?  Everything I do, I do for Him.  Everything He does, He does for me.  He is mine and I am His.  Amen and forever amen.

the blog with no title

when the sun sets on a stormy day, 

darkness covers the damage in shades of grey

no longer do the winds blow hard,

yet debris lays scattered all over the yard

after being tossed by the wind till defeated,

i have truly been sufficiently depleted.  

who will clean up the mess left behind,

from the edge of my heart to the end of my mind?

i know only One that has the power to restore,

all the brokenness in me and so much more

i go to that place where i can rest in His love

and wait for the peace that i often speak of

that's all i need, just a quiet place to rest

and when i get back up i will have been blessed

in the morning, mess will be seen all over the place

but the hope for renewal rests in His eternal grace

I suppose I'm not much of a poet, at least where meter is concerned, but I guess I don't care.  Because it's been one of those days when I have cried until I have been completely spent.  The emotional strength it takes to navigate certain crises is more than I posses sometimes and I am defeated by the load.  Even my children were distressed by my painful tears.  My sensitive little son reflected on the day as he was brushing his teeth,  "Mommy," he said, "I saw something today that I haven't seen in almost forever.  I saw you crying."  I hugged him and said that I do often cry but that it's true that he doesn't see me do it.  I told him that crying was just a way of expressing pain and grief and that it's okay for him to see me cry.  And that it's not a sign of hopelessness but just an expression of sadness and loss.  Fortunately the kids only witnessed me crying at one point today.  The rest of my grief I shared between me and God, away from their concerned little hearts, because they, too, cried a lot and I didn't want to compound their sadness. 

But please don't think that my tears are an indication of despair.  They are just a response to the hard realities of this world that affect the people I hold so dear to my heart.  They are tears of submission when I offer up the ones I love, and accept that only God is able to help them.  They are tears of grief as my heart bleeds over shattered relationships that may or may not ever be mended.  They are tears of heart-broken realization when I finally recognize that the brokenness is greater than anything I could have imagined.  

But God sees my tears and He hears my cries and there is a comfort in that knowledge that cannot be expressed in words.  

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry.  Psalm 34:15

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56:8.

I gotta tell you, crying all alone truly is a depressing situation, but crying in the arms of someone who loves you make it so much more tolerable.  I didn't have any physical arms in which to cry today, but God's figurative arms were somehow sufficient so that I didn't experience the dreaded despair.  And for that I am truly grateful.  And I'm grateful for everyone He put into my life to encourage me today and join me in my prayers.

What a tender and loving God we serve who gives us the opportunity to express our grief in His presence and then provide us with a renewed strength.  How does this process even work?  I don't know.  And yet it does.  Thank you, God, for providing us with tears and with hope.  

am I so foolish?

I'm tired this morning.  Not just physically, but emotionally as well.  I kind of think those things go hand in hand sometimes.

I've been working a lot lately.  Whenever I don't have my kids, I am at the house painting.  And sometimes, even when I have them!  And it's never-ending!  I invested in a house-flip project with my business partner and normally the work is done by a crew but if I want to increase my investment return, I can do some of the work.  And since I have new interests that require financial support, I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and do some of the work myself.  But at what cost?  I'm exhausted.  My body aches from having to contort myself into unnatural positions to paint a vaulted ceiling in a staircase (3 freaking times!) and carrying heavy 5-gallon buckets and kneeling down on a very filthy garbage-strewn floor in order to paint the base.  My knee is killing me.  I don't even know what's wrong with it.  I'm just old, I guess.  Additionally, on two of the evenings that I was supposed to spend with my daughter for a special date night, I found myself at work, while she curled up in a camping chair, watching videos on her iPad.  I hadn't planned on working on those nights.  But when the head contractor flakes, and my partner breaks his hand and can't work, and when the backyard and basement get flooded and the rest of the crew is required to bail out water, what am I supposed to do?  Hiring out more of the work impacts our investment return.  That wouldn't be smart, would it?

I don't like this.  I don't like the idea of working for extra return at all costs.  That sucks and is not balanced. It's not that I'm afraid to work.  I know how to work until I collapse and I'm not afraid of labor.  But I feel that other valuable things in my life are going by the wayside as I work towards this end goal and that is what sucks.  I trust God is leading and I know He arranged this investment opportunity for me and I praise Him for it.  But there are obvious lessons I need to learn.  And I would really like to learn them.

Like, how much of this work is God's design and how much of it is a temptation from the influences of this world?  If I feel God is leading me in a particular direction and that direction requires financial backing, does that mean I'm the one responsible to make that happen?  Would it be lazy of me and foolish for me to just sit back and say, "Okay, God, I'm happy to see how you're planning to work this out."

Yeah, I kind of think it would be.  And yet, after reflecting on my last few blog posts, I'm realizing that if God has outlined a direction for me, I should trust that He will make it happen, in His time, in His way.

But in the meantime, what is my responsibility?  I can't just wait around and do nothing, right?  Trying to figure out this balance is what is taxing my emotional bank right now.  I want to do what I can to help God in His plan but it seems God is saying, Let go and let me.  But that doesn't makes sense.

I read Ephesians 2 and part of Galatians 3 this morning and have been looking for the wisdom that will guide me.  A couple passages seemed to stand out for me but I can't figure out how to apply them.  I've been struggling with those passages for almost an hour.  (Wow, how time passes when one tries to talk to God when they're too exhausted to receive His truths!)  Both passages are directing the readers to the true source of grace and direction, which is Jesus.  And Paul gets pretty firm with the Galatians.

You foolish Galatians!  Who has bewitched you?... Are you so foolish?  After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?  Galatians 3:1, 3.

So what does that even mean?  Again, if you think I'm asking questions as a part of my "presentation of truth," you're mistaken. I'm actually asking the question as I write it.  I don't have an answer; this is just how I process.

Ephesians 2 talks about being made alive in Christ in spite of the fact that we lived as people of this world, satisfying our worldly needs.

All of us also lived among [the ways of the world] at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Ephesians 2:3

I feel like there's a truth in this somewhere but I'm too tired to see it.  All I can see right now is the amount of work I still have to do in contrast to the ability I have.  Why am I feeling so overwhelmed?  Usually, it's because I have neglected my time with God.  But I haven't.  I have refused to neglect my time with Him because I was trying to avoid the whole "overwhelmed" thing.  Even though I entertained guests from out of the country until midnight a few times, I still met with God until the morning.  Even though I've been working late, when I get home and my house is a mess and my groceries are not put away, I still sit down to read and talk to God.  Even when I go to bed at 1:00 and God invites me to meet with him at 4:30 in the morning, I've done it.  I promise.  I know how badly I need Him right now and I'm afraid to let Him go.  So then why am I feeling like the stuff He wants to accomplish is more than I can handle?



Ohhhh.....

Okay, I see it now.  It's like a lightbulb just turned on.  Oh brother.  How dense am I?

How foolish am I to think that I will now finish what God started?  I'm doing it again, aren't I?  I'm seeing God's direction and being the one to try to make it happen.  Good grief.  When will I learn?  Didn't I JUST write about this two days ago?  About how God led me to homeschool and I tried to take the reins and make it happen?  1 Corinthians 13:4 is coming to mind.  God is patient.  (Cause God is love).  Wow, thank goodness that He's patient with me.  Ugh, I feel so sorry for Him sometimes when I think about what He has to deal with in regards to me.  In Nehemiah we see more of the mercy of God's love: Many years you were patient with them... But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God.  Nehemiah 9:30-31.  How wonderful is He?

I have received an understanding.  Finally.

I have been trying - again - to make sure that I do everything in my power to insure that what I perceive to be God's plan is accomplished.  And I just need to let it go.

I won't work - anymore - on the house if it means that I will neglect my children or the gifts God has given me or my walk with Him.  I will stay focused on Him and His promise to finish what He started.  But truth be told, this perspective is not embraced by the mindset of the world.  In this world, we need to sacrifice to get ahead and do everything we can to make things happen.  Oh wow, now the Ephesians verse finally makes sense.  I worked on that for so long!  According to Ephesians, I am not part of the mindset of this world anymore.  I have been made new in Christ and it is Him that will put it all together.

In HIM the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. Ephesians 2:21.  

When I first read verse 21 this morning, I loved it but couldn't figure out why.  It's just such a lovely image.  Maybe you don't see how it makes sense to my exhausted mind right now but it just does.