But I challenge the concept of self-denial because I believe it may be the opposite of what Jesus was trying to say in Mark. In my opinion, self-denial puts us in the spotlight and says, "Look what I can do for Jesus." But denying ourselves means we turn away from the mirror and look to Jesus. Here's my story to back up my claim:
Although my denomination never celebrated the season of Lent, about 12 years ago, I decided that I would explore it a bit since many people I worked with would talk about what they were "giving up" for Lent. So the first year, I gave up chocolate cause that was my favorite thing. It was not an easy thing to do, either. Chocolate was the treasure of my dessert world. I couldn't understand why anyone would make a dessert without chocolate in it. Lemon cake? Creme brulee? Fruit cobbler? I loved all those things but would always opt for a chocolate choice, or add chocolate to them. I even added chocolate to my pumpkin tart.
Giving up chocolate was rather challenging, but I like a challenge. That's why I did it in the first place; it wasn't a spiritual discipline at that time at all. And although I remained faithful for the 40-day period, I replaced chocolate with other sweet indulgences, so it really wasn't that significant if you think about it.
So the next year, I decided that I would intensify the challenge (for my own ego) and I gave up all sugar. And wow...talk about tough! When you're interacting with 90 different middle schoolers all day long, there will be times when you'll need a little pick-me-up and to not have that option is just killer. I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to details so I gave up ALL sugar, even the little bit you'd find in salad dressings or ketchup, so when I say it was difficult, I mean it. But again, I did it for my own self-centered pride, plus I replaced my cravings for sugar with other things that metabolized as sugar; breads, pastas, etc.
When I gave up the sugar, though, I had never sacrificed something so stringently before and I needed to find the strength to do it. So I had a thought: how about every time I want something sweet, I think about the sacrifice that Jesus made? And then I can realize that turning away from this temptation is NOTHING compared to Jesus turning away from heaven and coming to this earth, to His own children, to be rejected and humiliated and condemned. And that's when I had my ah-ha moment. Ohhhh, so this is what denial during Lent is for? I wondered. (So embarrassing to admit how ignorant I was.)
I continued to toy with the basic concept of giving things up for Lent and maintained the practice. I tried to make it more and more difficult every year, just to challenge myself. (I bet you're wondering where God fits into all this self-denial fun I was having...)
One year I gave up watching television programs. I'd never owned a television with cable or netflix or anything, but I had a computer and Hulu was all pretty much free back then, so I had plenty of opportunity to waste my time and veg around. So that year, I decided I was tired of the food denial thing and I stayed away from my favorite shows instead. But wow, I can't tell you how much more alive the world looked to me and I felt this sudden need to seek God (that was 2011; the year I made a deliberate decision to know God).
But you should know that when I began to seek God that year, it wasn't necessarily for the right reasons. I didn't do it because I loved Him and wanted a closer walk with Him. It was for my children. Restricting the influences of the world made it possible for me to see what was right in front of my face and I realized that although I didn't actually care about heaven for myself, I didn't want to make that decision for my children. I wanted them to have more opportunity than what I thought I deserved and I determined that I couldn't teach them unless I went up to the mountain first. (Going up to the mountain was an analogy one author used to help parents understand why it was so important for Moses to go up to the mountain to meet with God before having the strength and wisdom to deal with the children of Israel.) So that period of denial proved to be quite rewarding and I was suddenly eager for even more.
And then came the most intense Lent season of all, till that point: I gave up as much as I possibly could. TV, and movies too, chocolate and sugar, but also all cooked food (since I had turned to refined carbs in replacement of sugar before). Yup, I went raw for 40 long days. Nothing to eat except what God made to grow in His green earth. Yeah, that was tough. But check it out: that Lenten period immediately preceded this incredible thirst for God and for His word and for a personal relationship with Him (not just for my kids). Interesting, huh?
So if I know me, you know I love denying myself the temptations and earthly pleasures in which most people love to indulge. Why? Because the results are so freaking amazing!
Remember the hymn Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus?
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Well, guess what? It works in reverse too. Turn away from the things of earth and His wonderful face is where your eyes will turn.
I can't hardly keep silent about the benefits of a life away from earthly gratifications. I want more people to try it and to devote themselves to it. Not as a way of torture or penance, of course, but because the rewards are limitless. The enjoyment of indulging in earthly pleasures pales in comparison to indulging in God. The fire I have in my heart for God has nothing to do with what I've done or how devoted I am to Him so I can't take any credit for it. The fire has always been there because His spirit dwells in me. I just never recognized it until I started taking a step back from all the things that are born of this earth.
But like I said, I didn't do it for the "right" reasons. When I first practiced Lenten denial I was self-centered and feeding my ego so no one can look at me and say, "Wow, you're so spiritually amazing." Cause I really kind of suck when you realize how self-focused I was. I suppose someone can try to give me credit for my determination in denying myself but if you understand that the determination was born of my desire to do everything by the strength of my own flesh, you wouldn't be so quick to praise it. So please don't think that this is an opportunity to offer me any applause. This is a testimony of how the Holy Spirit can penetrate a prideful heart and move me, in spite of my efforts to make it about my own ridiculous challenges.
So yeah, my history with Lenten denial was not exactly rooted in the most noble or spiritually-worthy endeavor, but God is so eager to find any avenues into our heart. I am forever and ever grateful to God's power to penetrate a prideful heart that was so misguided as to deny Him the very desire of His heart - an intimate relationship with me. Because of His great love (not because of my strength) I am moved to find ways to give Him more and more of myself. It's not self-denial anymore because I'm no longer doing it for myself. It's is simply a denial of self. I have no idea if I'm making any sense. Oh well...
I'll bet you're wondering what I'm giving up for Lent this year...
What if I told you that this year I'm not giving anything up?
What if I told you that this year I choose to indulge, instead?
My perspective has shifted. I no longer emotionally prepare myself for restrictions, but instead, I prepare my heart for rewards. I eagerly anticipate how He can fill me, instead of how I can remove things.
Yes, there are things in which I won't indulge but not as an exercise of denial but because it is so, so incredibly rewarding to receive more of Jesus. I gotta tell you, though, I do feel a little selfish in my approach and I'm not sure how to balance that out. God's gifts to me during these times have been so incredible that I want to make sure I'm honoring Him and not just swimming in His goodness. Last weekend, the pastor talked about giving to others during this Lenten time and so I think I'd like to explore more of that concept because right now, I'm pretty much just basking in His Sonshine and I'm way too content just doing that. There is a light we need to shine for others; a responsibility; a privilege. The pastor said that we will have wonderful moments with God on the mountaintop but that we can't just stay on the mountain and bask in the glorious light. We also need to take it to others. I had never considered such a perspective! I prefer to just stay on that mountain, day in and day out but that would be selfish, wouldn't it?
So that is my prayer for this season of Lent. Show me, Lord, how to take the joy and the love you have shared with me to others too. Give me opportunities to serve them as a way to honor and multiply all the gifts you've given to me. I am so undeserving of all your goodness and am so ashamed of how self-centered I was but am grateful for your eagerness to work with such a misguided heart. Let me shine for you.
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