attitude of servitude

There's this whole idea that those who are submissive are like doormats; they just let people walk all over them.  And I'll be honest, I have seen "submissive" wives who kind of embody that whole "doormat" mentality.  They navigate through their marriage as defeated, humbled, meek women who don't really have a choice.  "I must be submissive," they say.  And they give in to their husband's commands because they don't feel like they have a choice (I know exactly how that feels).  Well, I've got news for you: that's not submission, that's defeat.  Unless you cheerfully relinquish control to the leader, you have been defeated and you're pretty much a doormat.

I understand that the whole gender-equality thing in America has almost killed this submissive thing, and you can see it mainly in the much older generations.  But I'm not an American and I didn't grow up in this culture so I witnessed a lot of that meek-woman thing going on.  And when I learned about the joy of submitting to God, I talked to my mom about it and she was like, "Oh please, I've been submissive to your father for years.  It's not that amazing."  But I insisted that when it's done properly (i.e. when we choose to submit out of a desire to honor God) it's a whole different attitude.

For many years, in my marriage, I felt I didn't have a choice and that attitude bred misery.  But when I realized how pleased I was to allow God to lead, it made all the difference.  I have been more bold about the difficulties in my marriage lately (probably as a part of my healing; who knows) so it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone when I say that the marriage was not good.  I don't think it ever was.  It was unbalanced and misguided, without a proper foundation (Christ) and easily affected by the frustrations of this world.  But I still had joy in my life.  I had a good life and I was happy.  But the marriage....ugh...I longed for something healthy, something better, something Christ-centered.  And when I was discovering God more intimately, and realizing what an amazing Husband He was, it kind of made my own reality look even more depressing.  I didn't like the man to whom I was married.  I could see, with more clarity, how much he had hurt me over the years.  And one day in particular, I was almost done washing my floor and was preparing to make his lunch for the next day.  Making his lunch was not something he was unable to do but it was something I had previously felt I wanted to do.  The whole taking-care-of-husband thing.  It brought me joy for the most part.  But these days, it was a struggle for me.  While still on my knees (cause that's how I washed my floor) I was crying and praying, "I don't want to make his lunch!  I don't like him!  I hate doing things for him!"  And that moment, I heard God whisper something that changed my entire perspective:

Then do it for me.

I remember sitting up slowly, washcloth still in my hand.  I wiped my tears away and said, "What?"

Then I heard it again, Make the sandwich for ME.  

It was the turning point in my attitude of servitude.  I considered the prospect of ever making a sandwich for Jesus and my heart was overcome with the desire to serve Him.  Of course I'd make HIM a sandwich!  Any day!  My heart still beats wildly at the thought of serving my Lover and King. Yes, of course, I would do that!  I stood up with renewed joy and made that sandwich with great pleasure because I wasn't making it for someone who was hurtful anymore; I was making it for Jesus.

Did the sandwich taste any different to the one for whom it was made?  Well, no.  He probably didn't even recognize that my attitude shifted because he was not in tune with my heart.  He reaped many benefits of my attitude adjustment but I doubt that he recognized what was going on.  He was accepting the benefits as if he had earned them, like he was somehow worthy of them.  He rode that attitude for a while and made decisions for the family that I didn't fight and then assumed that he was finally being the leader he'd always wanted to be.  Unfortunately for him, me stepping out of his way meant that God was finally able to hold him accountable for his leadership skills and so I'm sure that the subsequent events came as a shock to him.

But even though I was pleased to do things for God, part of me still thought, "This is not easy.  I don't want to give to people that abuse my desire to serve.  I need to find a way to let them know that I'm not doing it for them; I'm doing it for God.  I don't want them to think I'm just a push-over.

But here's what I realized:  Who the flip cares what they think?

Jesus didn't allow Himself to be bound and taken away with statements like, "I just want you guys to know that I could totally smite all of you in one blow but I'm choosing this arrest for a greater good."  No, He was just arrested.  Many thought He was being defeated and they mocked Him for it.  But for some reason, that didn't seem to bother Him.

So why should it bother me?  I've been sitting around for the last two days, trying to figure out how I'm supposed to be submissive and still maintain my pride, but it turns out that pride is the issue that is standing in my way from actually being what God wants me to be.  That's a long sentence but a pretty short concept.

Oh man, what a waste of my time, trying to fight for the right to maintain my pride.  All because I don't want people to think I'm a pushover.  Who really cares what they think?  Those that lead with God's authority will not view my desire to honor and serve them as a lessening of myself.  They will recognize it as a greater part of me that is shaped by God.  They're the only ones that matter anyway, right?

So yeah, some people will think I'm just a weak little woman (oh, if they only knew me...) and they will mock my desire to serve and submit. And suddenly I'm okay with that.  Let them think what they will. I serve the King and if they don't know the King, they won't recognize me anyway.  Huh...I really like my conclusion.

But here's another thing that I noticed about Jesus.  There is no evidence in the Bible that He ever hung His head in shame and defeat.  He submitted to His Father's will with a strength of character.  Now that's something I will need to practice.  Because lately, whenever I've been submissive to certain leaders, I kind of feel like I've been "put in my place." Maybe that's a indication of my hang-ups or evidence of the leader's inability to be gentle with me; who knows.  Maybe a little bit of both.  But from now on, I will practice keeping my head up and smiling when I decide to stop talking, just listen, and say, "okay."  Yes, with a smile.  Because it's honestly my pleasure to respect the authorities that God has placed in my life.  I desire to do it.  There is a part of me that even longs to honor someone in that manner, for a greater purpose and for the Greatest Leader.



He must become greater; I must become less.  John 3:30.  

That is my prayer today.  Lord, let me serve you and those whom you have established so that you can become greater.  Because only then will your Spirit be able to use me for your purpose.