am I so foolish?

I'm tired this morning.  Not just physically, but emotionally as well.  I kind of think those things go hand in hand sometimes.

I've been working a lot lately.  Whenever I don't have my kids, I am at the house painting.  And sometimes, even when I have them!  And it's never-ending!  I invested in a house-flip project with my business partner and normally the work is done by a crew but if I want to increase my investment return, I can do some of the work.  And since I have new interests that require financial support, I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and do some of the work myself.  But at what cost?  I'm exhausted.  My body aches from having to contort myself into unnatural positions to paint a vaulted ceiling in a staircase (3 freaking times!) and carrying heavy 5-gallon buckets and kneeling down on a very filthy garbage-strewn floor in order to paint the base.  My knee is killing me.  I don't even know what's wrong with it.  I'm just old, I guess.  Additionally, on two of the evenings that I was supposed to spend with my daughter for a special date night, I found myself at work, while she curled up in a camping chair, watching videos on her iPad.  I hadn't planned on working on those nights.  But when the head contractor flakes, and my partner breaks his hand and can't work, and when the backyard and basement get flooded and the rest of the crew is required to bail out water, what am I supposed to do?  Hiring out more of the work impacts our investment return.  That wouldn't be smart, would it?

I don't like this.  I don't like the idea of working for extra return at all costs.  That sucks and is not balanced. It's not that I'm afraid to work.  I know how to work until I collapse and I'm not afraid of labor.  But I feel that other valuable things in my life are going by the wayside as I work towards this end goal and that is what sucks.  I trust God is leading and I know He arranged this investment opportunity for me and I praise Him for it.  But there are obvious lessons I need to learn.  And I would really like to learn them.

Like, how much of this work is God's design and how much of it is a temptation from the influences of this world?  If I feel God is leading me in a particular direction and that direction requires financial backing, does that mean I'm the one responsible to make that happen?  Would it be lazy of me and foolish for me to just sit back and say, "Okay, God, I'm happy to see how you're planning to work this out."

Yeah, I kind of think it would be.  And yet, after reflecting on my last few blog posts, I'm realizing that if God has outlined a direction for me, I should trust that He will make it happen, in His time, in His way.

But in the meantime, what is my responsibility?  I can't just wait around and do nothing, right?  Trying to figure out this balance is what is taxing my emotional bank right now.  I want to do what I can to help God in His plan but it seems God is saying, Let go and let me.  But that doesn't makes sense.

I read Ephesians 2 and part of Galatians 3 this morning and have been looking for the wisdom that will guide me.  A couple passages seemed to stand out for me but I can't figure out how to apply them.  I've been struggling with those passages for almost an hour.  (Wow, how time passes when one tries to talk to God when they're too exhausted to receive His truths!)  Both passages are directing the readers to the true source of grace and direction, which is Jesus.  And Paul gets pretty firm with the Galatians.

You foolish Galatians!  Who has bewitched you?... Are you so foolish?  After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?  Galatians 3:1, 3.

So what does that even mean?  Again, if you think I'm asking questions as a part of my "presentation of truth," you're mistaken. I'm actually asking the question as I write it.  I don't have an answer; this is just how I process.

Ephesians 2 talks about being made alive in Christ in spite of the fact that we lived as people of this world, satisfying our worldly needs.

All of us also lived among [the ways of the world] at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Ephesians 2:3

I feel like there's a truth in this somewhere but I'm too tired to see it.  All I can see right now is the amount of work I still have to do in contrast to the ability I have.  Why am I feeling so overwhelmed?  Usually, it's because I have neglected my time with God.  But I haven't.  I have refused to neglect my time with Him because I was trying to avoid the whole "overwhelmed" thing.  Even though I entertained guests from out of the country until midnight a few times, I still met with God until the morning.  Even though I've been working late, when I get home and my house is a mess and my groceries are not put away, I still sit down to read and talk to God.  Even when I go to bed at 1:00 and God invites me to meet with him at 4:30 in the morning, I've done it.  I promise.  I know how badly I need Him right now and I'm afraid to let Him go.  So then why am I feeling like the stuff He wants to accomplish is more than I can handle?



Ohhhh.....

Okay, I see it now.  It's like a lightbulb just turned on.  Oh brother.  How dense am I?

How foolish am I to think that I will now finish what God started?  I'm doing it again, aren't I?  I'm seeing God's direction and being the one to try to make it happen.  Good grief.  When will I learn?  Didn't I JUST write about this two days ago?  About how God led me to homeschool and I tried to take the reins and make it happen?  1 Corinthians 13:4 is coming to mind.  God is patient.  (Cause God is love).  Wow, thank goodness that He's patient with me.  Ugh, I feel so sorry for Him sometimes when I think about what He has to deal with in regards to me.  In Nehemiah we see more of the mercy of God's love: Many years you were patient with them... But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God.  Nehemiah 9:30-31.  How wonderful is He?

I have received an understanding.  Finally.

I have been trying - again - to make sure that I do everything in my power to insure that what I perceive to be God's plan is accomplished.  And I just need to let it go.

I won't work - anymore - on the house if it means that I will neglect my children or the gifts God has given me or my walk with Him.  I will stay focused on Him and His promise to finish what He started.  But truth be told, this perspective is not embraced by the mindset of the world.  In this world, we need to sacrifice to get ahead and do everything we can to make things happen.  Oh wow, now the Ephesians verse finally makes sense.  I worked on that for so long!  According to Ephesians, I am not part of the mindset of this world anymore.  I have been made new in Christ and it is Him that will put it all together.

In HIM the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. Ephesians 2:21.  

When I first read verse 21 this morning, I loved it but couldn't figure out why.  It's just such a lovely image.  Maybe you don't see how it makes sense to my exhausted mind right now but it just does.