Sometimes I get the feeling that the devil just hates me. Like he doesn't necessarily have a greater purpose in some of his evil but just the fact that he wants to make my life miserable.
Take, for example, Christmas Eve. I had the most wonderful time, experiencing a candlelight service for the first time in my life, singing in a lovely choir for the first time in 22 years, making new friends, delighting in beautiful music and just loving it. I felt my heart all swelled up with love for God's thoughtfulness in giving me such a beautiful Christmas gift. And to add to the already joyful moments, I had the chance to experience that same wonderful music program for a second time that evening. I was so looking forward to it!
But as soon as we reconvened for the second program, I got sick. I was sitting in the choir, trying to ignore the sudden onset of this weird illness. It wasn't something I ate since I had been fasting. And it wasn't the fasting since I always enjoy a fast and I usually feel a million times better during that time. It was just pain in my gut and nausea. Not the flu (because there was no subsequent evidence of that.) Just miserable, agonizing pain and endless waves of nausea for what appeared to be no other purpose than to try to take my joy away. I can't imagine any other greater purpose for it.
I sat there, trying to decide whether I should exit in case I needed to throw up or whether I should just continue to pray that God help me get through the program. If I was sick, I took the risk of infecting others and I didn't want to do that. But if I wasn't sick, then leaving might impact the presentation of the music. I decided to wait it out, finished the program and then I bolted for home. I crawled into bed, still in pain, and felt so sorry for myself. By the next morning, I was 100% again. No evidence of any illness. And that just made me mad.
How is it okay for the devil to use me as a punching bag like this? How do I get God to protect me from these kinds of attacks? I'm sure God protects me from many of the attacks and it's possible that only a small number get through, so I shouldn't take this out on God. I'm just trying to gain perspective; that's all. Like how I'm supposed to respond to stuff like this. Do I just kind of sit here and take it? Do I call on a group of prayer warriors to pray on my behalf? I don't know. It seems like I should just be able to tolerate some of these attack sessions and not always try to find a way out of them. It seems like I should be strong enough to sustain them without complaint too, you know? Kind of like I should let them toughen me up or something.
If there was a greater purpose in these tough times, I would welcome them as I welcome other trials, because we should consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3
I'm actually cool enduring the "trials" and have experienced my fair share with Jesus as my Rock. But the kind of stuff I'm talking about aren't trials. They're just annoyances. Like a pebble in my shoe. And it's freakishly irritating.
It's like middle school all over again. When Sarah was cruel to me simply because I was Jenny's friend. I hadn't done anything to offend Sarah except choose to associate with her enemy. Her behavior was just evidence of her childishness and not something I should take personally.
So it is in this case. These little attacks, that the enemy throws my way, have so little to do with me and so much to do with God. They are the devil's weak attempts at punishing me for loving God and all the gifts He's given to me. But here's something cool I'm realizing just now: his attempts really are weak compared to God's gifts. Because during the second Christmas Eve program, I did enjoy it. In fact, I even went so far as to record the songs on my iPhone during the program, and listen to them again as I lay in my bed that night. And when I allowed myself to experience His gift again, it was almost like the pain and nausea were irrelevant; they were still present, but they didn't matter. See what I mean when I say "weak attempt?" I enjoyed that second concert in spite of the pain because I chose to focus on God's goodness.
The fact that I'm under attack simply because of my association with God actually makes this even more encouraging. It assures me that my focus is well-placed.
So this is just me trying to process these stupid assaults so that I make sure to keep my perspective in the right place. Like when I get sore because I worked out too hard. It's a good kind of pain, you know? It's like, "Oh yeah, I totally worked these muscles out!" If it was just pain for no other purpose, it wouldn't be as tolerable. But knowing that I put myself in some pain for a better outcome is actually okay. I choose to associate with God and as a result, I will sometimes be the enemy's punching bag. But I want my perspective to be, "Oh yeah, it's a good kind of pain because I am totally working on my friendship with Jesus."
I'm laughing a bit right now at how silly this is. I can't believe I'm trying to aim for an attitude like that. I am strange, aren't I? But I'll be honest, if I had had this mindset on Christmas Eve, I think I would have enjoyed the second program even more. And now that I have this approach, I can better handle what I'm experiencing at this moment too. So it's all good; a blog well-purposed.
How is it okay for the devil to use me as a punching bag like this? How do I get God to protect me from these kinds of attacks? I'm sure God protects me from many of the attacks and it's possible that only a small number get through, so I shouldn't take this out on God. I'm just trying to gain perspective; that's all. Like how I'm supposed to respond to stuff like this. Do I just kind of sit here and take it? Do I call on a group of prayer warriors to pray on my behalf? I don't know. It seems like I should just be able to tolerate some of these attack sessions and not always try to find a way out of them. It seems like I should be strong enough to sustain them without complaint too, you know? Kind of like I should let them toughen me up or something.
If there was a greater purpose in these tough times, I would welcome them as I welcome other trials, because we should consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3
I'm actually cool enduring the "trials" and have experienced my fair share with Jesus as my Rock. But the kind of stuff I'm talking about aren't trials. They're just annoyances. Like a pebble in my shoe. And it's freakishly irritating.
It's like middle school all over again. When Sarah was cruel to me simply because I was Jenny's friend. I hadn't done anything to offend Sarah except choose to associate with her enemy. Her behavior was just evidence of her childishness and not something I should take personally.
So it is in this case. These little attacks, that the enemy throws my way, have so little to do with me and so much to do with God. They are the devil's weak attempts at punishing me for loving God and all the gifts He's given to me. But here's something cool I'm realizing just now: his attempts really are weak compared to God's gifts. Because during the second Christmas Eve program, I did enjoy it. In fact, I even went so far as to record the songs on my iPhone during the program, and listen to them again as I lay in my bed that night. And when I allowed myself to experience His gift again, it was almost like the pain and nausea were irrelevant; they were still present, but they didn't matter. See what I mean when I say "weak attempt?" I enjoyed that second concert in spite of the pain because I chose to focus on God's goodness.
The fact that I'm under attack simply because of my association with God actually makes this even more encouraging. It assures me that my focus is well-placed.
So this is just me trying to process these stupid assaults so that I make sure to keep my perspective in the right place. Like when I get sore because I worked out too hard. It's a good kind of pain, you know? It's like, "Oh yeah, I totally worked these muscles out!" If it was just pain for no other purpose, it wouldn't be as tolerable. But knowing that I put myself in some pain for a better outcome is actually okay. I choose to associate with God and as a result, I will sometimes be the enemy's punching bag. But I want my perspective to be, "Oh yeah, it's a good kind of pain because I am totally working on my friendship with Jesus."
I'm laughing a bit right now at how silly this is. I can't believe I'm trying to aim for an attitude like that. I am strange, aren't I? But I'll be honest, if I had had this mindset on Christmas Eve, I think I would have enjoyed the second program even more. And now that I have this approach, I can better handle what I'm experiencing at this moment too. So it's all good; a blog well-purposed.
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