We've all experienced seasonal friendships in our lives, even as early as the adolescent years and summer camp friendships. In my life, if I knew that someone would be around only for a season, I wouldn't let my heart get too terribly attached so that the goodbye would be easier. I understand that impeded my ability to really connect with a person, but at least my heart was safe, right?
In fact, I lived most of my adult life that way. I refused to attach my heart to anyone because it was just easier that way. When we first moved to Seattle we were with one church for about 12 years, but when it came time to move to a new church for our kids' education, I wasn't too broken up about it. Sure, I loved the people there, but I was also okay moving on. I purposely never put down roots in that church, mostly cause I hated living in Seattle and always hoped I'd move. I made sure all my friendships stayed pretty superficial, actually.
But when I moved to the next church, it was around the same time that I started seeking God on a more intimate level. Throughout that process, I learned what it meant to actually love. For the first time in my life, I felt safe enough to actually put down roots and make my new church my home. The more I sought God, the more love He poured into my heart. And the more love I had, the more I gave away. The relationships I developed in that place went beyond basic friendships and passed on into the "forever family" zone. I felt whole for the first time in my life and I couldn't imagine ever leaving the Seattle area; this was my home now. I learned to experience God and friendships on such a deep and intimate level that I longed for heaven when we could all be one with Jesus all the time.
But if I had known....
....that those friendships were just for a season in my life....
Honestly, I don't think I would have allowed myself to experience those spiritually intimate relationships. Because the grief I experienced when I lost them all also went beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life.
And I sit here and think that I should not have allowed myself to get so attached or so involved. I should have put up those walls that I was so good at erecting and stayed a safe distance away from all this awful stuff called love.
I am reflecting on this now because I find myself drawn into loving a new family and I receive joy from experiencing their friendship and their insights. But suddenly there is a fear in my heart that says, "What if this is just for a season? Don't get too attached; God may move me at any time again." And I feel a little like a nomad. Like I won't ever have a place to call home until heaven. And until then, I am blown to wherever God wants me to go; a servant to serve in whatever capacity He desires.
Okay, so this is a bit of a dramatic response to my history. Because if I look at it realistically, I've only experienced this "seasonal" thing in that last church. And yeah, it hurt like hell when it broke, but that shouldn't mean that this is now my destiny, right?
At the same time, though, I can't help but wonder if this is what it's like to be a follower of Jesus. Because I've only really had an active relationship with Him in the last 5-6 years. All I know is all I've seen recently. And all I've seen is deeply committed friendships with Jesus at the center and then a horrific element of loss. It has taken me almost two years to heal from some of that loss and clearly I'm not entirely restored since fear is still present.
So is this what it's like? Is this a reasonable fear to live by? If I wanted to, would I be able to actually stop myself from loving people as God loves them? No, I don't think I could. I don't think I even have a choice in the matter. When I pray for people or see them through God's eyes, I don't really have an option but to bind my heart to theirs. It seems that the only way to protect my heart from potential further pain of loss, would be to remove Jesus from it first. Yeah, good luck with that. Over my dead body.
So I guess that's it then, isn't it? I have to accept the fact that there will continue to be heart-knit friendships that will be seasonal.
That just seems so wrong. It seem so hopeless and defeating. And what I really want is to put down roots and experience the forever love of a family. Is it foolish to hope for that? Is it wiser to guard my heart? Should I always be prepared for the eventuality that nothing is lasting?
Seems like a really cruddy way to live my life and I don't much want to do that.
So then, maybe it's just some prayer that I want and need. I don't usually use my blog to express my heartfelt fears; I prefer to use it as an avenue for testimony. But right now, I need strength and resolve to continue down the path on which God has placed me. And if God wants to offer me some hope that not every spiritual friendship is seasonal, that'd be super great too.
The thing about seasons, though, is that they repeat. It's a cycle; ongoing, never-stopping. What does that even mean? Who knows; I'm tired and I have a miserable head cold. Maybe I shouldn't try blogging when I'm feeling this way. Good night.
Someone once asked Jesus to if he could follow Him. He said that He had no where to lay His head; i.e., no home. That sounds like what you were saying, doesn’t it?.
ReplyDeleteThis article leaves some questions: Did you really lose all your spiritual relationships, and if so, was that necessary?
Another way to look at it is this: Maybe it was the loss that was what was seasonal, not the relationships, and the loss will go away? Personally, I don’t believe you can lose spiritual relationships, though there maybe separation. However, I can relate to the need and desire to have church that is family and that you can worship with in Spirit and all truth - and the difficulty in finding that. I have only found it once.
Storytime…
Once there was a gardener who learned how to garden. That spring they grew a beautiful garden that flourished in the summer, and they revelled in the joy. But things began to change in the fall and by the time the harsh winter, came, they thought the garden was gone. What was so beautiful now looked brown and dead. In anger and hurt, they yanked out all the plants, figuring them to be just seasonal annuals, and was determined to start over. It was their garden after all. (You see,we may plant and water, but it is God that makes the plants grow. In fact, sometimes He plants, waters and nurtures too!) In reality, many of those plants were perennials, even evergreens, just buried in the snow. The winter season had made the plants dormant, even pruned them. There may have been damage or disease that could be healed, but they were not dead. Even now, if they were to be replanted in the garden and cared for, they would burst forth in beauty come spring - and spring always follows a winter. And the garden would be more beautiful than ever, heartier, and healthier.
Winters will continue to come, but springs will always follow. As long as the plants continue to get ripped out every winter, the garden will never grow or mature. If the plants are kept by the gardner and even nurtured, they will grow greater, stronger, and more beautiful. And become the garden that only God can grow.
To be continued...
You're right, it's possible that the loss was seasonal. That's encouraging to hear and very beautiful. Thank you for your thoughts.
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