never good enough

No matter how hard I aim for perfection, I will never be good enough.  Years ago, my main aim was to be a perfect wife.  But I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough; never what my husband wanted and I would get so discouraged because I wanted that more than anything.  What I finally came to realize was that by human standards, I would never be good enough.  And I had to step back from trying to please imperfect humans and aim to please God instead.  I came to understand that my value as a wife was only fulfilled when I saw myself as God's wife.  I treated my earthly husband as I would have treated God and for the first time in my life, I felt fulfilled!  I didn't feel perfect, but when my imperfections were highlighted, it was always hopeful.  I was filled with hope that God would address my shortcomings and I had joy that I was always moving forward.  Never reaching perfection, of course, but aiming for the Light and that was good enough for me.  Because I was pleasing God and I had immense joy in that.

I rode that joy for a while (independent of the fact that I still was not pleasing to my spouse).  And I thought I'd take it a step further and ask God to shine a light on any darkness in my own soul.  I was willing to allow Him to expose anything that needed to be cured by His glorious light.  Oh boy...had I realized what I was asking, I doubt I would have had the courage to go through with such a request.

God shined His light and it was bright.  I could see, with painful clarity, where I was not representing Him and I knew I didn't want to harbor those sins anymore.  At first it was rather discouraging to see how sinful I actually was since I had previously considered myself to be a relatively nice, easy-to-get-along-with person.  I saw my faults laid out in a raw format before me and was overwhelmed by the amount of work required to refine me.  I felt that I would never, ever, be able to get rid of all my issues; I had no skills to be able to address this much garbage.  How deep would I need to dig to find the source of my issues?

But my discouragement was short-lived as I quickly realized that God was the one who would do the refining.  I only needed to be willing to submit to His will.  Through His grace, I experienced freedom from so many chains and have never forgotten what He's done for me and still does for me.

But now, I'm having a hard time transferring the knowledge of that experience to my current situation.  I suddenly feel inadequate again.  I feel not only deficient in skill but overwhelmed by the daunting task that lies before me.  Yes, I'm talking about music again.  More recently God has brought more music into my life for the first time in so, so long.  I relished in the enjoyment of it for a few months but now I'm realizing how much I actually have to learn!  I'm painfully disheartened by the fears that I may not be able to learn what it is I want to learn.  How far back do I even need to go to unlearn the things I learned incorrectly?  Will I even have the time and resources available to grow in this knowledge, not to mention the skills?  And then what's the purpose, even?  Why this sudden drive to learn and educate myself?  Is it just for my own enjoyment and edification?  That seems like a selfish focus.  It was suggested that everything I learn is for God's glory.  But how does improving my musical skills provide me with an opportunity to praise God?  Does He really need me to be an advanced musician to praise Him?  I doubt it.

But then someone pointed out to me that God has given me this opportunity to learn, because He loves me and He knows this brings me joy.  God has put me in a place where I have opportunities and surrounded me with people that can teach me.  So if this is a gift from God, then it will be God that provides the skill to be able to accomplish this task, right?

I feel like that should be right.  And yet I'm still intimidated by the prospect of realizing how little I actually know.

I wish I had that same hope that I had a few years ago when God was exposing all my faults.  After working through some of my issues, I would actually get excited when God highlighted another deficiency.  I was like, "Ooh, yes!  Let's address this one now!"  It was invigorating.  Because I knew that God was capable.  I knew He was the best at dealing with my stuff.  I had full confidence in Him.

So how come I don't have confidence now?


It's because I'm making it about me, isn't it?  Ugh.  Harsh realization.  Today, a friend told me that when God looks at us, He makes everything about us; He adores us so incredibly much.  But when we look at Him, we are to make everything about Him.  It's a pretty neat dynamic, really.

So okay, I will make this about Him and see if I feel better about it.  This drive to learn; this opportunity to learn; it's from Him and for Him.  I'm irrelevant; just a servant, really.

Huh... okay.  This is suddenly quite hopeful.  I wonder where's He's going to go with this....